The
search Mr. ‘right’ is more than enough to turn a sane gay
man mad. It makes many of us feel like wanting to be in love is either some
sort of unrealistic goal or some immature desire. To make matters worse, you
have those who tell you to hold on to your image of a ‘dream’ partner no matter what and those who
will tell you that you need to go on ahead and give the self loathing guy a
call because having him is better than having NO man @ all.
The crazy thing is that there's no universal set of instructions for finding
love, but you certainly can make your own path a lot easier. (Don't worry, this
isn't one of those "GAY MEN, GET
OUT OF YOUR OWN WAY ENTRY!" (We
have MORE than enough of those type entries here, we are here to affirm and
support our gay brothers **blogger hugs**)
There is a great distinction between reasonable standards and unrealistic
expectations. While I don't believe the notion that most gay men are walking
around with ten-page "Things You Need in Order to Date Me" lists, I
know how easy it is to cut off some great possibilities by being a bit too
rigid with one's demands. While never forgetting that you are worth someone
fantastic, be mindful of the fact that this man is not being created for you in
a laboratory.
That's not to say that you don't deserve someone accomplished or who has
similar interests and goals as your own. If you make your "must-have" list a bit shorter, you increase the number
of men who may tickle your fancy. Let go of "6'
3" with big feet and muscles" and try "someone I find attractive" on for size. You may be
surprised how many great guys you could have passed over while scanning the bar
for men who look like Idris. And if your friends know just how picky you are,
you may be the last person they consider introducing to an eligible bachelor.
Say you are looking for a tall, handsome, God-fearing, well-built, successful,
funny, charismatic man who is active in his community, gets along great with others,
that's a very specific set of expectations. It's not impossible to think that
you would meet this man and it's also unlikely that you would turn down the man
who had most of the qualities you are looking for. But by walking around with
this extensive laundry list in your mind can be preventing you from seeing the
many guys out there who could be wonderful partners for you, if only you
noticed them.
Conversely, there are some things that you may need to stand firm on and that's
more than fine. If you are in church every Sunday without fail and you can't
bear the idea of a man who doesn't share at least some of your passion for your
religion, then don't abandon that expectation. Pretending you can handle
something in a relationship may only cause problems later; you don't want to be
pushing him to change his ways two years down the road, nor would you like for
him to complain about your involvement with your faith. If you've dated shorter
men and found that you just don't feel comfortable towering over your dude, own
that and don't feel pressured to do otherwise.
While you are chopping off some of the non-essentials from your list, you can
still meet guys who have these qualities. For example, if you really want to
meet a man who's in to the same stuff as you, then look at the men who are at
the places you already frequent...Civic minded men are involved in community
service organizations, college grads go to alumni networking events, fit men go
to the gym... Do the things you enjoy and you'll increase the chances of
meeting someone who enjoys the same things.
The
man you want may not come in the exact package that you may have dreamed of,
but if you are reasonable with what you are looking for, then you won't have as
much room to worry over that. Don't worry over what the man you haven't met yet
has, save the assessment for the men you do meet. And if the brother has the
things you really need going on, then hopefully you won't notice his ugly
shoes.
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