I AM...

I am whatever YOU think I am until YOU get to KNOW me. This is true for everyone else too, of course.. so don't make assumptions about anyone or pass judgment; ask questions. You might just make a new friend.


Saturday, October 14, 2006


There’s a wise old saying that “Life is 10% of what happens to you and 90% of how you respond or react to it.” This universal law of living is stunningly accurate and amazingly true and has vast power to impact the direction and the quality of the rest of your life. Think of it this way. Approximately 90% of the drama in your life is a direct result of how you responded and reacted to 10% of the events, problems and people in your life. So in essence we drive 90% of the stress and worry in our lives and we drive 90% of the anger, depression, sadness, regret, and jealousy within our lives. Stated another way, up to 90% of our lives is sometimes spent mishandling, mismanaging, and mis-communicating the situations, events, problems and the people within our lives. We walk with anger and we sleep with depression. We run with fear and we breathe with hesitancy. We live our lives wearing the vest of emotional baggage with both jealousy and regret as our personal confidants. Cynicism now flows from our mouths and doubt reigns over our presence. Now, the reality here is that many of us have fallen into destructive patterns. We need other options - but sadly, we have few…and after a visit to one of the local GAY CLUBS, this all was circulating in me, in how we become gay men.

Through faults of our own and others, I find it funny the games and tricks we play with each other, I say we because I am a part of this community as well. We have LITTLE BOYS playing with MEN and it would be fine if it was for something that could elevate them to the next level; but it isn’t. I feel that these KIDS play these games and not take life seriously because they have equated all men to the unfortunate negative actions of some. Be it an absent father from the home or even worse a father that lives there and it’s as if he doesn’t. So many of us are hurt and are looking for LOVE even though we won’t admit it. I am of the opinion that when these MEN meet these BOYS, this is when the game of ‘MUSCIAL CHAIRS’ begin.

And in my opinion, this is where the thoughts of a life-long partnership lose meaning with every beat and booty shaking. I feel that Pandora's Box has been unleashed and we have that which plagues us now. Is there any way to fix this? Or are we just too late? Do you even feel that this is a problem in our society? How do I convince these KIDS that they are more than what is in some MAN’S wallet? How can I convince that MAN that the car he bought just to trap the KIDS don’t make him happy? If this is how a gay man is defined I am sorry but our community is FUCKED! 

It took many years for me to understand and to refine what it meant to be a man... It meant sacrificing self for the sake of others. It meant hard work. It meant using every talent within me to make a way - when the way seemed to be closed off. It meant struggling financially and doing whatever was (legally) necessary to make ends meet. It meant long nights spent pacing the floor praying and planning how I was going to pay to keep the lights on the next day. It meant being humbled and at times even submissive to the point where I want to give up. My motivation finds me seeking to destroy the seductive lies that litter your way. I have come to realize that sometimes you have to lose everything to find yourself. I say look in the mirror, focus on the frame; on the illusions of the game. I would hope that we don’t forget our instant gratification that cannot hold or sustain us. Why leave yourself living like a pauper begging at the pearly gates for an ounce of humanity to repair your damaged soul?
Tell me what dreams you have for the future? What is does it mean to you now? Do you feel the same way you did when you first had this dream of a future? Did, do or will YOU LOVE YOURSELF? Do you realize that you died? Does it make you cry? Do you care that I care that you are lost? Funny how I say all this to you and still you pretend like I didn’t; I love the way you put me out of your mind when I write like this. I know that you will get what I am saying one day; I can only hope and pray that it’s not too late. I hope that as you dance to the beat and follow the rules of the game you come to realize that you’ve forgotten LOVE. Please don’t envy me; I don’t envy you! I only raise my voice in anger when the culprit sleeps in you. You are quick to judge my own reflection because you don’t see yourself when I stand in front of you. I am sorry that I can’t pardon your transgression with sympathy and I have cast a stone; I have dubbed it love. The bruise resulting still came from my hand in all that I do, I do for YOU! I am obsessed with living on the path of LOVE…I am a wretched man…the man that has come to save you. I want to remind you that your future is far greater than your past. I want you to know that your life is indeed a life worth living. I would for each one of us to by become a proactive and productive catalyst within our lives. I wish that we can become the mechanism for our own healing, self-actualization, and continuous spiritual growth. Once this is achieved, then joy and peace will become your new best friends and contentment will reign over your spirit forever…DAMN IF I STUB MY TOE ON ONE OF THOSE MUSICAL CHAIRS AGAIN! 


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