The often
special relationship between straight women and gay men is long-documented. And
romanticized. So much so, it even inspired an international,
possibly-soon-to-be-returning hit
TV show.
But what
about gay men’s relationship with lesbian women? As a gay man myself, I
sometimes sense that things are strained between us; especially as we
approach something distantly resembling sexual equality in certain
parts of the world.
I would urge
any gay man to reconnect with his lesbian friends, while bearing in mind the
following five ways in which way have it easier than our Sapphic sisters.
1 Lesbians
are less represented in popular culture than gay men
Gay male
characters are popping up in movies and TV shows more and more. Although,
granted there’s still a long way to go. But their female counterparts are a lot
harder to find – when they’re not being killed
off entirely.
And while Sam
Smith, Adam Lambert, Troye Sivan and Olly Alexander are making a splash on
planet pop, how many gay girl equivalents can you think of?
Take lesbian
sister duo Tegan and Sara [above]. They’re just as amazing as those guys. But
they’ve never reached the same dizzying heights of fame and success. Why? Is it
perhaps because straight people – and perhaps gay men too – struggle to ’get’
their queer image, because they’re girls?
There are
saving graces, of course. Chat show queen Ellen DeGeneres is the seventh
most-followed person on Twitter, while the Oscar-nominated Ellen Page and
Oscar-winning Jodie Foster have thrived since coming out. Plus, Orange is The
New Black has changed the world of TV forever.
Furthermore,
the growing list of prominent bisexual and non-heterosexual female stars is
hopefully a comforting sign for gay girls.
Lady Gaga,
Miley Cyrus, Cara Delevingne, Kristen Stewart, Sarah Paulson, Lauren Jauregui,
Jess Glynne, Evan Rachel Wood, Michelle Rodriguez, Megan Fox, Angelina Jolie,
Anna Paquin and Amber Heard are just a few powerful examples.
2
Lesbians suffer misogyny – including from gay men
A lot of men
hate women, are prejudiced against women and objectify women. A lot of men
try to tell women what to do. There are infinite examples of all of this, so
instead, I’ll focus on some of the specific ways gay men can fall into this trap,
sometimes unwittingly.
Every time a
gay guy says he’s disgusted at the thought of a vagina, I roll my eyes. Really?
It’s the same reason I can’t
watch RuPaul’s Drag Race, where queens are ridiculed as ‘fishy’ and all
either have banging bodies, or are comically overweight. Is that really how we
see women?
Then there’s
the way some gay men demean other gay men for being ‘femme’, as if femininity
is lesser.
3 Lesbians
are sexually objectified by straight men (in a way gay men aren’t by
women)
You might
think straight women aren’t interested in gay sex, but that’s not strictly
true. Reports claim more
and more women are watching gay porn than ever, and a close girlfriend
of mine once admitted that Jake Gyllenhaal and Heath Ledger together in
Brokeback Mountain was a turn on for her.
The fact is,
the spectrum of sexuality is complicated in a good way. More people are
exploring it than ever, which is great. But the way straight women view male
homosexuality – basically, with respect – is completely different from the way
straight men view female homosexuality.
Some straight
guys think gay girls exist purely for their pleasure and entertainment. This
is the epitome of sexual objectification.
Straight men often abjectly fail to
grasp that real, authentic lesbianism has literally nothing to do with them.
(The cruelest irony being when the guys in question are homophobic). I can only
imagine the harassment and lechery gay girls suffer as a consequence.
That’s not to
say it’s unnatural for a straight guy to be turned on by lesbian sex. It’s all
about context and respect. If straight, lesbian or bi girls get it on, and all
parties consent to a man’s involvement, there’s no invasion of space or
identity. A safe, considerate space for exploration is created. But rare is the
straight man I’d trust in that scenario.
4 There’s
hardly any porn made with lesbians in mind
Speaking of
lesbianism and the male gaze, just look at lesbian porn. Over 99% of it is
geared to appeal to straight guys. All the women are ulta-femme, love rough sex
and engage in cliche-ridden scenarios which – surprise, surprise – often end up
involving a guy.
To put this
ridiculousness into perspective for a second, just imagine the reverse. What
would gay male porn look like if it were made with straight women in mind? I
have no idea. But I do know it would be utterly unrecognisable from what’s out
there today.
’Female-friendly
lesbian porn’ exists, of course. But it’s pretty fucked up that you have to use
those exact terms to find it, because ‘lesbian porn’ has already been claimed
for straight men – because men’s needs are apparently more important than
women’s.
5 There are
fewer dedicated spaces for lesbians to hang out than for gay men
Every week,
another iconic gay bar or club around the world closes. For gay guys looking to
socialise with other gay guys, the options are evermore limited. But it’s a
problem gay girls have been dealing with for decades.
I can count
on one hand the amount of dedicated lesbian clubs and bars I know on one hand
(shout out to She Bar, pictured above).
There are also several famous lesbian club nights in London, where I live
(shout out to Twat Boutique).
And in the
East there are a decent handful of mixed, queer club nights where everyone’s welcome
(shout out to Knickerbocker).
But this
isn’t nearly enough, and it never was. Add to this the problem of door people
at gay clubs discriminating against women, and it’s a wonder gay girls make it
out at all.
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