Last week’s epic episode not only delivered
high drama, but apparently it also served up some seriously high ratings as well. It was such a high-water
mark for the series that any follow-up episode was going to feel a little
lacking. Last night’s installment turned the work room into more of a
boardroom, which is about as much fun as it sounds.
Yes, even drag
queens — supposedly our most irreverent artists — are slaves to the marketing
machine. Just like bottled water or a bank or Doritos, drag queens also need to
worry about their brand. The remaining six queens were tasked with
creating a product that represented their personal brand and then filming a
commercial.
We’re breaking
down the top sellers in our SPOILER-filled recap, and if you order now,
we’ll throw in our weekly rankings of the queens at no extra charge. Operators
are standing by, below.
I get that
RuPaul is very into the importance of branding, and she’s right! Branding is
important! And Ru is a great example of someone who truly has built an empire
around a very specific and well-developed brand. But! I think it’s a bit of
stretch to expect every drag queen to be so savvy. That’s evidenced each time
this sort of challenge is presented. Most of these girls have a hard time wrapping
their minds around creating this sort of far-flung empire.
It seems like a
particularly strange skill to stress, especially when the show has removed most
sewing/construction challenges — skills that seem much more relevant and
important to a successful drag queen. Whatever. It’s RuPaul’s world, what she
says goes and we’re going to roll with it.
Before we get
to the meat of the maxi-challenge, we have to confront Phi Phi’s mirror
message, I guess. In possibly the most desperate move in a series of really
pathetic and desperate moves, she writes one big final mirror message
explaining that she avoided hugs, because she was afraid she would cry? Which
is strange? Because she hugged everyone else just fine?
In all the
absolute garbage reality-TV I’ve mainlined over the years, I don’t know that
I’ve ever encountered a character that was at once so hyper-self-aware and
lacking all self-awareness all at once. Maybe Honey Boo-Boo? (Like Phi, she
did also started as a pageant queen. If I catch Alana doing some kind of
365 Days of Roadkill Instagram series, I’m going to get seriously suspicious.)
Now let’s all
agree to never speak of Phi Phi again.
Last night saw
the return of the mini-challenge, and boy was it a silly one. Each gal had to
whack a ball putt-putt style along a course, through the legs of Pit Crew
members and into a hole using only a … well, actually, I don’t know what to
call it. It was a sort of pendulum that hung like a super saggy scrotum between
their legs.
The resulting
game was more croquet than golf (they call it “butt-butt,” but I feel like
“crogay” would’ve been better), and it mostly served as an excuse for the gals
to rub all up on the Pit Crew. Alaska wins, but it truly does not matter.
It just earns her a bunch of designer boy clothes which I am not interested in
at all.
About that
branding challenge. Ru brings in Marcus Lemonis from CNBC to give overly
earnest and serious business advice to these IMAGINARY DRAG QUEEN GAG GIFTS,
and all the ladies listen solemnly to his critiques. It’s very strange. I sort
of wonder if his appearance was a weird, drag Jedi mind trick.
The queen he
tells to scrap her whole idea (Katya) ignores him and ends up in the top, while
the one who took his advice (Roxxxy) and the one he liked the most (Tati) were
both in the bottom. Go figure! Ru did have to explain how a lace-front wig
works to him at one point, so maybe he’s not exactly the most qualified person
for this role.
Alaska joins
Katya in the top, of course. After a pants (pants, PANTS!) on the runway show,
Alaska and Katya serve Joan Jett rock ‘n’ roll lip sync to “Cherry Bomb” with
Alaska named the winner. (It was a strange, plodding song to dance to, but
Alaska’s final kicks really sold it.) Long live RoLaskaTox, apparently, because
she chooses to save Roxxxy, despite this being Ms. Andrews’ fourth time in the
bottom. Tatianna is sent packing.
That means
there are only five ladies left. Let’s see where they landed in our rankings:
1. I mean, we
should just hand the win to Alaska now, right? She is
dominating the entire competition, and it doesn’t even seem like she’s breaking
a sweat. She even won the nonsensical mini-challenge with ease. Her commercial
evidenced a layer of sophistication and vision that no other queen even came
close to achieving. I might have wagered her runway look would’ve drawn
more criticism than it did, but that American flag reveal was worth the
questionable wig.
Considering how
much she struggled with choreo during her season, I’m also surprised
at how skillfully she’s figured out how to transform her awkward, gangly
weaknesses into uniquely entertaining strengths during the lip syncs. She might
be unstoppable.
2. The only gal who might pose a
threat to Alaska’s assumed victory is Alyssa Edwards. The beloved Texas
beauty is adored by the judges (and fans). Now that the majority of
acting/comedy challenges are likely behind us, she stands a much stronger
chance to outlast her competitors.
3. It was a
strong showing from Katya this week, but it didn’t feel as
momentous as others’ victories. She wisely ignored the advice of Marcus
Lemonis, and her commercial was better for it. She went in with a much
more conceptual approach to her ad, but she didn’t stick the landing as well as
Alaska.
I love that she
incorporated her own struggles with anxiety (very on-brand!), and I enjoyed her
spin on a very campy, 1950s sort of commercial for the hopeless housewife.
She definitely earned her spot in the top, but I agree she was out ‘synced by
Alaska. (That Neve Campbell look was fierce, though.)
4. Was it just me, or was Graham
Norton’s criticism of Detox‘s prototype unnecessarily harsh? She’s
not an engineer, gurl! It was hokey, but it was cute. I love Detox, and she’s
been pretty consistent this whole season. I just haven’t really been blown away
yet, and it’s too late now to shake Alaska or Alyssa.
5. Tatianna‘s
runway look. Tatianna’s runway look. Tatianna’s! Run. Way. Look! Gagging even
doesn’t do it justice. It transported me back in time to when I was a little
gay boy spending hours memorizing the entire rap verse to “Waterfalls” instead
of going outside to play baseball or whatever. It left me SLAYED (or, one might
say, another body laying cold in the gutter). Her commercial was FINE, and she
definitely bested Roxxxy on the runway.
I do not
understand Alaska’s logic (or should I say choices) here. I
see how it was hard to compare apples to apples, since we don’t know how Tati
would have performed in the two challenges she missed. But, even if she was in
the bottom for both, that still would’ve tied her with Roxxxy for most
times in the bottom. Plus, technically Tatianna had one more win than Roxxxy,
and her runway was far superior. I am not pleased. Not pleased at all.
Considering how beloved Alaska, Alyssa and Katya already were, I feel
like Tati has made the most with her second chance on TV.
6. Ugh, Roxxxy!
You were done, I was done, we were all done. It was painful to watch her try to
think through her commercial concept, and what was that runway look? She looked
like David Beador at theReal Housewives of Orange County ’70s
party. No thanks. In the immortal words of NeNe Leakes: “Go
home wig. Goodbye wig. Go away. Bye wig.” Unfortunately, next week’s
family-themed challenge seems like it might set Roxxxy up for an emotional
episode and triumphant victory.
How would you
rank the queens this week?
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