Every single
gay male has heard the following naive question: which one of you is “the
woman” and which is “the man”?
It’s a
question only posed by straight people who are absolutely flummoxed about the
nature of gay sex. Flummoxed! Of course the proper retort is, “We’re both
boys!” That’s the whole point of gay boning, all. But the thirst to understand
which boy is putting his P in an A and which boy has opened his A for P is
really about making gay sex legible, and legible in a heterosexual context.
We have a
term for this, too, it turns out: top or bottom. Then there are the versatile
people of the world who like to flip-fuck or who are perfectly at home and
talented in either position.
In some way
having a label makes gay sex easier because everyone knows what to do. But the
problem is that tops are almost always seen as more manly, virile, and
aggressive, whereas bottoms are usually linked to effeminacy because we think
they have a subservient position. Just don’t tell the power bottoms that.
People are
obsessed with knowing who is the top and who is the bottom because gay sex is
not necessarily legible in the same manner as straight sex. How many times have
you been dating a new guy and you voluntarily told your BFF, “He’s a TOTAL TOP”
or “He’s a great bottom,” or how many times have your friends asked you what
was going on in the bedroom between you and a new love interest?
Hey, there
are plenty of folks out there who don’t like bottoming and even some who don’t
like to top. Why? Because gay sex is only legible to straight people in terms of the
heterosexual matrix, and if someone’s son is fucking a dude/is a top, well then
that’s way preferable than if he was getting plowed by D’s all day long.
This attitude is wholly
cultural and deeply rooted in how we think about gender. Like, men are supposed
to be men and this turns the top/bottom thing into misogynistic shit
around male dominance.
So again I ask, can we own our sissyness?
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