I AM...

I am whatever YOU think I am until YOU get to KNOW me. This is true for everyone else too, of course.. so don't make assumptions about anyone or pass judgment; ask questions. You might just make a new friend.


Thursday, October 23, 2014


My best friend and I regularly socialize with a group of heterosexuals friends. Of course we both have heterosexual friends but we have one group that we dine/drink with and talk shit with at least once a week. As a group, we consist of a multitude of races, nationalities and several interracial pairings and couplings. It is always a good time when we all get together. We discuss life, relationships, being parents and marriage. Also time and time again we have to explain one very crucial thing to them: It’s really hard being gay.

Sure, they would argue that maintaining a career and raising a baby or planning a wedding is hard, but do they know the pressure a single gay man has during pride weekend? Or what it’s like to be a superficial gay man trying to find love in a pool full of superficial gay men? We’re a vain and judgmental people and we’re men; visually and hormonally driven. Six pack abs and a nice ass are social currency. If you gain more weight and your stock could instantly plummet. Lose too much too quickly and the kids will think you look sick.

It’s maddening!

Your straight friends think we’re always having the best time of our lives, looking eternally youthful and dressing well; however, do they know the stress of choosing those outfits? The agonizing hours it takes to pick out a shirt, pant, footwear and fragrance combo that will garner you a little attention. Do they know how hard it is to follow trends when your people are known for setting trends? The knowing that no matter how hard you pick a look that stands out, you’ll likely see someone else at the same party as you in the same overpriced shirt or exclusive shoe. Do straight guys even worry about someone else wearing the same outfit as them? See, being gay is hard.

We always tell them stories of guys one of us “talked to” or maybe had but for some reason never really sealed the deal. Even just how catty and shady gay men can be much like vicious school girls but with the testosterone of grown men. There are stories of how you can’t go to your favorite watering hole in most metropolitan cites without the awkward situation of running into someone you dated and perhaps his new boyfriend too. Knowing that if you live in the same city, you know someone- maybe a friend of yours- who has dated a guy you have or wanted.
Social interactions between us gay guys can be even more stressful than looking the part. It is way easier to find sex than love, and while that sounds good to straight men, it can be annoying and become old when you’re actually ready for a relationship. For some reason, we’re all so damn cynical and just one heartbreak away from swearing off men completely though that never actually happens.

There is also pressure to go out and be social by not sitting at home alone or as the lone single gay guy out with all your straight friends. Who wants that? We all want the luxury of being young, fancy and free in our twenties with no commitments to anyone. Then again, we all want to be booed up by the time we’re in our early thirties because heaven forbid we grow up to be that single old gay men we still see out at the club. Honestly, we believe this should all be played out by 40 as if 40 is simply elderly. Again, being gay is hard.

We deal with the fact that though they love us we may very well be disappointing our parents by not giving them grandchildren and that we may be bachelors forever. Our mother may have no daughter-in law to pass her recipes too. While our childhood friends are having children of their own, we’re still just having fun. We’ve come to grips with the fact that we probably would never be married when marriage was barely a realistic option for us. Now we deal with not only the daunting task of finding a man who wants to settle down, but also the pressure of throwing a big fat gay wedding.  Will we have to throw them for ourselves and compete with our gay friends with similar tastes? Exotic destination weddings with lavish venues matching platinum wedding bands, two custom designer tuxedos (you’ll wear only once), and the reception full of liquor and grandeur. Is there such thing as a simple or cheap gay wedding? Shall I say, being gay is hard?

It’s really tough to deal with superficial, body obsessed, materialistic, judgmental and wildly social animals who may or may not want only sex and may or may not want to ever settle down and commit. It’s even worse to think you may be one of them. Being gay is hard. Hell, being single is hard.

This is a never ending conversation we have with our straight friends. They sometimes wonder why things are the way they are; however, we can only offer short stories of our experiences.

Then there is always that one friend that exclaims, “You know what’s really hard? Being a woman. Being a hag.

I guess I cannot argue with that.


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