MY PERMANENT DANCE WITH LIFE (A BETTER ME)?

I thought to myself leave things be, let him own up to part in this whole thing, I was never so wrong in my life! If I had been ‘myself’ I could have killed this whole situation, made him understand where I stood, what my ‘true’ feelings were. I wanted to tell him about the fact that I am tired of going down this path and I felt alone. I cannot see life with rose-colored glasses; I can’t pretend that things are okay. I wanna tell him about the fact that I was smiling in people’s faces that were FUCKING me over; I was just bracing myself for the fall because patterns here signaled the end. I know that I am the devastating LOSS, LOVE…DREAM. I am living my never-ending spiral of sadness and emptiness...the permanent state of my being caught up in this cycle. Did I bring this onto myself? I am not able to go deep within myself, unable to rediscover the light amidst the seeming darkness. I am outrage toward the universe for what I am enduring. This is supposed to be a happy moment for me, I am free…SINGLE! I want to experience moments of strength and laughter again. Little did I know that these things come with time and I would have to be patient and exercise compassion. I know that I will eventually find my center again, but first I would have to let pain take me; knowing that I fear of losing who I am, feeling a change of heart is an act of disloyalty or giving up. I couldn’t turn back now, I was already transformed, and the memories live more fully within me. Now I surrender to the natural movement, my permanent dance with life. I am now a man apart because I stayed living with him…waiting on him to let me go. Seeking clear horizons, I wanted to be bouncing along, light in spirit, free from worries and enjoying life. But this dark cloud formed and turned my skies grey accompanied by a fog. Can you imagine how my life feels right now? Puffs of white take on whimsical dark shades and my life disappear along with the sunshine...Will this be my final dance? Will the fear of love keep me cripple? I know for a fact that there is just one way to love and that is with 100% of my mind heart soul and body. Was I afraid of love? If I knew how much I love him, would things work for us? Will this ‘dance’ fail me again? Time and my mind are doing battle; time says I will be alone and my mind is having second thoughts. I wish I was not me, just wondering through life aimlessly…no hope, not a prayer in the world. Why can’t it be this way? The universe is teaching me such a hard lesson, things no man should endure.

A YEAR…DAY

Damn talk about time not standing still…A year and a day ago, I remembered so well; the day I made the decision that affected my entire existence on this planet. I never would have thought that this one moment, this one action would bring tears to eyes, pain in my heart and me to my knees. I never knew that ‘love’ took so much, thought it would have been easy, thought that I could just slip away and not feel a thing. I WAS SO FUCKING WRONG, SO MISTAKEN, SO CLUELESS…SO UNAWARE… At this point things just came out of me as if something had died; I was looking for an epiphany at the end I was left thinking why the fuck I even try? I knew that I gave all that I could…I knew that I he loved me, more than I loved him or so I thought. I told him that I felt that our ‘relationship’ had reverted back to us being just best friends, he seemed shocked, so confused I could tell that he didn’t know what to do. It was funny to me because I knew it was the ‘end’ for a long time now, think about it, he told me that a good ‘friend’ of me told him ‘you should look out for yourself.’ I couldn’t believe that, like huh? This is the man I placed before everything and everyone, when I say everyone I mean everyone. I am standing in front of this man who I didn’t think I loved, telling him I don’t want him to love me or me him and all he gave me was ‘I hate confrontations’ I was like WTF, I am thinking okay. He left he hanging blowing like a leaf in the wind, I let him go, but he kept me prisoner. I felt that my foundation cracked, the very soil that lived beneath me no longer existed. The trees were all dead, the flowers of ‘love’ that once bloomed…don’t; birds lose all acquaintance with song. The sun has forsaken me, all that exists were clouds; clouds that is so angry so harsh, so dark. If rain were to come that illuminate this impending doom; doom that has plagued my very existence, doom that is so real…Doom that is me! Because all that stood in front of me was my UN(FAMILIAR). I pondered my life with him, without him wondering not knowing what to do. Playing with the ‘if’ of life asking myself: If I walked away from it all today where would I be tomorrow? Would my hefty heart still split and part over-run by the weight of sorrow? Would I remember next week how bleak my choices looked yesterday? Would the world I know crumble and go because of bridges burned by actions today? Can I sit here as I do longing for you but never having what I used to? Could I turn away from all that I say and only feel that which is real? If he opened a door and promised me free what would I leave so he could remember me? If that door closed and I had to stay would this life be worth living or should I throw it away? I wanted God to come down from his mountain high and answered me. Free me of my obsessed grief, cut by a decision that offers no relief…I was ‘shadow~less’ my life on pause, constantly wondering if it was by way of choices or was it my fate? Why can’t I just exit to a place, escape out of this maze that is my life…no more smoking mirrors filled with despair & desolation. I am in my dark cell hoping for light, a parched soul that remains dry …unable to drink. Times of perplexity are upon me causing my heart to fail me…I fear of the things to come…

...NOW A MOMENT OF SILENCE

Love Lost
by Sara Birkett

The wind flows through my hair

And dries the tears from my face

I look around at all the beauty

And think of how it was then

When you loved me with your heart

And promised to never leave

But that was then and this is now

Your love for me is somehow gone

That promise you had made

Is no longer for me to have

To never love you again

That's why my tears fall

To never have that promise

Belong to my heart only

Your love taken from meIn my world of happiness

Never to be at my side

Or in my arms during the night

The wind so cold I shiver

Does not dry the tears

DROPPED INTO STILL WATERS...THE RIPPLE EFFECT

In a world of six billion people, it's easy to believe that the only way to initiate profound transformation is to take extreme action. Each of us, however, carries within us the capacity to change the world in small ways for better or worse. Everything we do and think affects the people in our lives, and their reactions in turn affect others. As the effect of a seemingly insignificant word passes from person to person, its impact grows and can become a source of great joy, inspiration, anxiety, or pain. Your thoughts and actions are like stones dropped into still waters, causing ripples to spread and expand as they move outward. The impact you have on the world is greater than you could ever imagine, and the choices you make can have far-reaching consequences. You can use the ripple effect to make a positive difference and spread waves of kindness that will wash over the world. Should the opportunity arise, the recipient of a good deed will likely feel compelled to do a good deed for someone else. Someone feeling the effects of negative energy will be more likely to pass on that negative energy. One act of charity, one thoughtful deed, or even one positive thought can pass from individual to individual, snowballing until it becomes a group movement or the ray of hope that saves someone's life. Every transformation, just like every ripple, has a point of origin. You must believe in your ability to be that point of origin if you want to use the ripples you create to spread goodness. Consider the effect of your thoughts and actions, and try to act graciously as much as possible. A smile directed at a stranger, a compliment given to a friend, an attitude of laughter, or a thoughtful gesture can send ripples that spread among your loved ones and associates, out into your community, and finally throughout the world. You have the power to touch the lives of everyone you come into contact with and everyone those people come into contact with. The momentum of your influence will grow as your ripples moves onward and outward. One of those ripples could become a tidal wave of love and kindness.

SIX DEGREES OF HOMOSEXUALITY

My friends and I were having a discussion that prompted my theory of 'SIX DEGREES OF HOMOSEXUALITY.' We were all sitting on the bed just talking, and for some reason we started talking about guys, not realizing that we all knew one guy in particular. However, a certain guy by the name of Dominique stood out to me and to my friends. Apparently he used his real name with me and some another with them, so imagine their shock when they realized that he is the same person and that he is GAY! I THOUGHT IT INTERESTING BECAUSE IT SEEMS THAT NO MATTER HOW WE THINK WE ARE MEETING A NEW FACE HE ISN’T SO NEW. Yes he is new to the person that don’t know him, but he ISN’T new to the game…The world is round and if we form a circle around it, the gay community would be hand in hand, fucking each other like there is no tomorrow. Now don’t get me wrong, the SOLE purpose of this entry is NOT to bash gay men for engaging in sexual encounters with each other, that would rather wrong of me…right? I am no saint, I have done my fair share of fucking and sucking, but I am not defined by what I do sexually. Sad to say most GAY men are. In their own primitive way I feel that these men believe that this is their attempt to bring the community closer gaining acceptance. Given this was the case, it is quite reasonable for us to understand the biological make up of what is called homosexuality. The bonding of men, with the natural desire to form a soulful union never seems to happen, its all about the getting off. Man, unlike the animal beasts that roamed the earth, was unique, in that God gave him free will. His free will allowed for him to experience the world through his sense of sight and sound allowing him to come to terms with the very idea of existing. Homosexual men live in a time of great challenge; this very existence would have urged him to continually search out the means of providing for himself and his community. Hence it’s inevitable that we all know each other? Are the orgies and hook-ups that occur in our community the only REAL connections that we can make? I endeavor not to do so. I want a life that about a connection that extends beyond what I can do sexually with another man. I want us to connect with each other and not just see a dick to suck or an ass to ride. Among the perils we are confronted with, our survival, our continual hunt for prey; wouldn’t it be better to stalk the beast and walk away rather than it becoming a matter of kill or be killed? We are very complex, so when GOD created the world and gave us as gift to the world he did so with love. Until society can nurture, love and give it freely to HOMOSEXUALS, the world shall always be at conflict with each other. The consequences arising from such atrocities will be making us victims of ourselves.

THE MIRRORING WORLD

We are like nature; nature is a mirror, inspiring and teaching us, deepening our sense of belonging in the world. Wherever you look, you can see that our patterns and the patterns of the natural world are the same. You can find this resonance in every form, from molecules to plants and animals and to planets. We live our lives according to the same principles as the trees, the mountains, the clouds, and the birds. We begin our lives in the womb, folded in on ourselves like the bud of a flower. We can see our whole lives in the mirror of this natural form. When we emerge from the womb, we slowly begin our unfolding, just as the flower begins to open its petals. At its prime, the flower draws many insects to it and also the eyes of appreciative humans. When the flower's petals begin to fade and its life cycle comes to an end, it ceases to hold itself upright and returns to the earth. Traditionally, we return to the earth, just as all plants and animals do. Like flowers, we leave behind seeds in the forms of children and other gifts only we could have given. They continue to unfold even after we are gone. Rebirth is encoded into our lives, and death is just one part of the cycle. Look around you, and you will find connection and insight. Notice how your moods shift from one to another like the sky shifts from bright blue to turbulent grays. Your thoughts are like clouds, appearing, changing shape, passing through, and then disappearing without a trace. The rain cleanses the sky, just as an emotional release cleanses your mind. The sky itself is your eternal awareness, unchanging underneath all these permutations. Let it reflect back to you your own abiding perfection. As you walk through the world, find your own metaphors for connectedness in nature. Flesh them out fully and follow them as they lead you through the mystery and intelligence of life.

WORKING WAY...BEING HAPPY WITH YOUR JOB

In our search to define ourselves, we often look to our job to show us our worth. Society does not judge all professions equally, however, and it is not uncommon for the individuals who hold what others may consider to be ordinary or menial jobs to feel that they themselves are ordinary or menial. Yet, in truth, many wonderful and wise people throughout history have held what have typically been perceived as ordinary jobs, and this in no way has had any bearing on whether or not they have managed to contribute their skills and talents to the world. Whether you work in business, education, medicine, retail, or another profession, you worth is inherent to who you are and not what you do for a living. A job that you enjoy, lets you meet your needs, and allow you to live in accordance with your values will always be more gratifying than a high-status job that you dislike. But while experiencing professional satisfaction can be a vital part of being fulfilled by your work, it is important to remember that it is possible to find happiness in any job. This is because what you do is often less important than how you do it. Your attitude and intention can turn a mediocre job into work that fulfills you because of the way that you approach it. If you do your job well and what you do benefits others, then you are doing work that is making this world a better place. If you are happy in your current line of work and feel that it allows you to be yourself and live authentically while meeting your emotional and physical needs and allowing time for you to enjoy the fruits of your labor, then you have found a job that adds value to your life. If you are a waitress, then be the best waitress you can, take pride in your work and others will notice your passion. You can contribute your talents and skills to this world while doing any job. It is not the kind of work you do that allows you to be of service. It is you who must choose to be of service through the work that you do.

OPENING TO FEEL...THE WAYS WE NUMB OURSELVES

We are born equipped to experience a complex array of diverse emotions. Many of us, however, are uncomfortable confronting our most powerful emotions. We may shy away from delight and despair and deny life's colors by retreating into a world of monotone grey. We may numb ourselves to what we are truly feeling. It's easier to suppress our emotions than to deal with them, so we may momentarily turn to pleasures such as alcohol, food, sugar, shopping and too much television. We may even numb our hearts. While it's normal to temporarily seek distractions as a means of coping with intense emotions, numbing yourself prevents you from confronting your issues and keeps you from ever finding resolution or peace. When you are numb, there is no pain or powerlessness, but there can also be no joy or healing. The activities that numb you may seem harmless or pleasurable, but using them to numb yourself diminishes the quality of your life. Numbing yourself so that you don't have to feel intense emotions can often satisfy a surface need while blocking your awareness of a deeper need. You may find solace in food or shopping when what you really need is spiritual nourishment. The less you feel, the less alive you feel. Your feelings add vividness to your experiences and serve to connect you to the world around you. It is possible to disavow yourself of numbing behaviors a little at a time and once again taste life's rich flavors. When you sense that you are engaging in a particular behavior simply to deaden your emotions, stop and ask yourself why. Examining the feelings that drive you to numb yourself can help you understand what is triggering your desire to emotionally fade out. With each numbing activity that you cut out of your life, you'll find yourself being more aware and experiencing a greater emotionally acuity. Senses once shrouded by the fog of numbness become sharp and acute. Traumas and pain long hidden will emerge to the forefront of your consciousness and reveal themselves so that you can heal them. You'll discover a deeper you-a self that is comfortable experiencing and working through intense emotions with courage and grace.

SEASONS OF BEAUTY…AGING GRACEFULLY

We tend to associate youth with beauty, but the truth is that beauty transcends every age. Just as a deciduous tree is stunning in all its stages-from its full leafy green in the summer to its naked skeleton during winter and everything in between-human beings are beautiful throughout their life spans. The early years of our lives tend to be about learning and experiencing as much as we possibly can. We move through the world like sponges, absorbing the ideas of other people and the world. Like a tree in spring, we are waking up to the world. In this youthful phase of life, our physical strength, youth, and beauty help open doors and attract attention. Gradually, we begin to use the information we have gathered to form ideas and opinions of our own. As we cultivate our philosophy about life, our beauty becomes as much about what we are saying, doing, and creating as it is about our appearance. Like a tree in summer, we become full, expressive, beautiful, and productive. When the time comes for us to let go of the creations of our middle lives, we are like a tree in autumn dropping leaves, as we release our past attachments and preparing for a new phase of growth. The children move on, and careers shift or end. The lines on our faces, the stretch marks, and the grey hairs are beautiful testaments to the fullness of our experience. In the winter of our lives, we become stripped down to our essence like a tree. We may become more radiant than ever at this stage, because our inner light shines brighter through our eyes as time passes. Beauty at this age comes from the very core of our being-our essence. This essence is a reminder that there is nothing to fear in growing older and that there is a kind of beauty that comes only after one has spent many years on earth.

LETTING GO OF PERFECTION

It is good to remember that one of our goals in life is to not be perfect. We often lose track of this aspiration. When we make mistakes, we think that we are failing or not measuring up. But if life is about experimenting, experiencing, and learning, then to be imperfect is a prerequisite. Life becomes much more interesting once we let go of our quest for perfection and aspire for imperfection instead. This doesn't mean that we don't strive to be our best. We simply accept that there is no such thing as perfection-especially in life. All living things are in a ceaseless state of movement. Even as you read this, your hair is growing, your cells are dying and being reborn, and your blood is moving through your veins. Your life changes more than it stays the same. Perfection may happen in a moment, but it will not last because it is an impermanent state. Trying to hold on to perfection or forcing it to happen causes frustration and unhappiness. In spite of this, many of us are in the habit of trying to be perfect. One way to nudge ourselves out of this tendency is to look at our lives and notice that no one is judging us to see whether or not we are perfect. Sometimes, perfectionism is a holdover from our childhood-an ideal we inherited from a demanding parent. We are adults now, and we can choose to let go of the need to perform for someone else's approval. Similarly, we can choose to experience the universe as a loving place where we are free to be imperfect. Once we realize this, we can begin to take ourselves less seriously and have more fun. Imperfection is inherent to being human. By embracing your imperfections, you embrace yourself.

Dear God: if GAY means happy, why are WE so sad?

Is it the illusion of’ The Life?’ living an existence that is impaired to society. I am not my gender or my sexual orientation. However, I recognize "this illusion for what it is. I see us as people behave in ways that quite possibly go against our TRUTH! Whether we are at the sex party, the bar/club, we see him (a stranger) and we must have HIM. Everything hinges on him responding, and if he does not, we may act out in other ways all in the hopes of capturing that "illusion." "The illusion" could last between a few minutes…Spending the weekend or lifetime. Enjoying each other sexually funny how at that very moment you are wishing that this was not with a stranger, hoping this is the MAN GOD send for you. But you're in that moment so you fall into the illusion. The truth has been revealed…So I say, be the VICTOR not the victim...I am a part of this community and I embrace it. I embrace that we have sex parties, we have the bars & clubs, and frequent by effeminate men. That men will not date others because they are HIV positive. That I am no thug, that there are thugs, that there are men who identify as tops, bottoms, and versatile and through it all we are ‘The Life.’ I am Opened to The Life!’ I don't know who I am. I do know who I am not. I am not my body or my clothing. I am not my emotions or my feelings. I am not my thoughts or my desires. I am not my job or my money. I am not my partner or my family. I am not my past. I am not my future. I am not even my present. Who am I? I am who I am. Who are you? Think outside “The Life!’ don’t’ be a 24-HOUR SISSY you know the ones that are into cat-walking stealing and gal-ish dealings…prisoners to be. A whole man wasted just living for the thrill & pleasure, not a FUCKIN’ hope in the world. Never realizing that a gal-ish man is a shattered being, blocking the reality that only comes from deep inside, after all self-actualization is something they don’t need. Leaving the world to be ashamed to call HIM by HER name. Not respecting herself, not realizing…The beauty that is ‘MAN’. Just being selfish! Disgracing being, a beauty that can’t be harness. Making dumb choices, your not wining, your losing as a matter of fact, you are lost! So many lost dreams… a man wasted, can’t stand up proud & strong. But who needs strength and pride with a mini-skirt, Penis tucked & 6 inches pumps on your feet? So uncool to be fashion-sense-less, Versace, Armani, & Gucci is all good and well, It gives you a stain in the uncertainness cause when it's time you know don’t have to know how to read & spell Not willing to make babies, Or even think about marriage. That REALITY is just too real…just trying to feel, act & be…anything…nothing, living a life that totally goes against what GAY stands for.

THE FORBIDDEN

On the verge of adulthood, no longer a child, not quite a man; his presence on this planet has been like a drop of water in an ocean of time. Though he isn’t grown in many ways, and he has put away his childhood toys we have eaten the fruit of knowledge, erased the line drawn in the sand.

He came to me on day of my birthday and offered himself to me. He wanted to give me a gift that would last a lifetime, something I will always remember. He felt that this was decision was coming from his heart fueled by a love so strong; nothing in Heaven or on earth could match its power and strength.

I humbly accepted this gift from God, it was so sweet, so beautiful, so tender words cannot express. I experimented with this ‘teenage’ cult. Never showing signs of fear, going the distance making my actions a reality, I drew what seemed to be my last breathe, embrace life and my gift. I bravely opened my soul and let him in that scared place, showing him that the true measure of a man’s character is not determined by world, but by what his heart says is true.

He called me his Morningstar; the one that shines with a brilliance that lights his darkest night. Not a day goes by that he isn’t grateful for the blessing of me in his life, I was chosen by God to be his savior. My very life honors his; I am the reflection of all that he ever hoped to be. The world may not know it yet, but it will be a better place because I am in it.

He kissed me; damn his lips were so tasty, so thin, and so perfect. I held his face in my hands, looked into his eyes, I am sure I saw a familiar soul, someone that I have known from a previous life. Our mouths locked, tongues fondled each other and our breathing was one. My fingers found his nipples, the barely touching the little bit of hair on his chest, playing with his navel. I tongue fuck his oldest wound till he couldn’t take it anymore damn he had a lot of energy. I thought he was going to die when I had his cock in my mouth; I sucked the hell out that shit, funny how much the human body can take. I thought about eating his ass but didn’t, I knew that he just wanted my dick, from the way I ran my finger up and down the crack of his ass told me that he was more than ready.

He closed his eyes, licked his lips and gently whispers my name as I took his body to that place of ecstasy. He thrust his abdomen forward as I entered him; he was so sweet, so tight just so right. He was like a whisper of gentle breeze on my skin, the sun that warms my face; I knew I had my special angel guiding me. He loved it so much I didn’t want it to end, I felt body responding to him, and I felt as if we were bonded for hours.

After the cloud of lust lifted, reality settled in and I knew that I have crossed the line, much like Adam & Steve; I too now know that I am naked. I now bear the burden of this act, an act so unspeakable, so treacherous…so fucking sweet. I know that in the history of the world, there has never been and will never be another HIM. He is so special and so unique, and God does not duplicate perfection. I have opened the flood gates and I can’t help myself anymore, I find myself wanting more, wanting him again. Fantasying about him in church, at work, day and night; he has marked my soul invade my logical mind and yet I would go there again…

SPIRITUAL ALIGNMENT

In a world where we have routines for nearly everything-our route to work, our physical fitness regimen, and our weekday schedule-it's amazing how many people forget to create a routine for meeting their spiritual needs. We run around in an attempt to be at our many appointments on time and meet our many obligations. In our efforts to be as productive as possible, however, our spiritual needs tend to take a backseat. After all, taking care of our spiritual needs doesn't directly pay the bills or tone our abdominal muscles. We may even wonder who has time to meditate or write in their journal when there are more pressing matters to see to. The truth is that nurturing ourselves spiritually is what gives us the energy and grounding that we need to make sure that our lives stay on track. How you choose to nurture yourself spiritually is a personal choice. For some people, meditating once a day may be what they need to stay centered. While spending 10-20 minutes with your eyes closed and your brain devoid of thought may seem like a lot of time doing nothing, this state of nothingness actually allows you to stay calm and focused so you can be as productive as possible. Writing in your journal everyday lets you stay in touch with yourself so that you are always tuned in to your feelings. Repeating affirmations for success, happiness, and well-being on a regular basis can help you live with optimism and enthusiasm and create what you want in life. Having a routine for nurturing your spirit that you do each day lets you feed energy to your soul and can serve you well if your life suddenly takes an unexpected turn into a difficult period. This kind of routine grounds your spirit in your body so that you stay anchored in yourself as you move through each day. Nurturing yourself spiritually allows you to not only stay on track in your life, but it allows for your life to stay on track with what your spirit wants.

MARIA'S DAY

I AM MY MOTHER

I am my mother’s son

But what of her is in me?

What use is my patriarch lineage?

With no sense of history?

Why is my last name maternal?

And still, the fact lingers in my mind

That I've been robbed jus’ like she

By he who donated me life...

...such confusion burns in me

And uncertainty that will not sleep,

Pacing the floors of my mind

Over a control that was not mine.

Years of opportunities missed

Bear disappointments as gifts

And as another year dawns on me

I keep trying to be the opposite of she.

LIVE LIKE WATER

The journey of water as it flows upon the earth can be a mirror of our own paths through life. Water begins its residence on earth as it falls from the sky or melts from ice and streams down a mountain into a tributary or stream. In the same way, we come into the world and begin our lives on earth. Like a river that flows within the confines of its banks, we are born with certain defining characteristics that govern our identity. We are born in a specific time and place, within a specific family, and with certain gifts and challenges. Within these parameters, we move through life, encountering many twists, turns, and obstacles along the way just as a river flows. Water is a great teacher that shows us how to move through the world with grace, ease, determination, and humility. When a river breaks at a waterfall, it gains energy and moves on, as we encounter our own waterfalls, we may fall hard but we always keep moving on. Water can inspire us to not become rigid with fear or cling to what's familiar. Water is brave and does not waste time clinging to its past, but flows onward without looking back. At the same time, when there is a hole to be filled, water does not run away from it in fear of the dark; instead, water humbly and bravely fills the empty space. In the same way, we can face the dark moments of our life rather than run away from them. Eventually, a river will empty into the sea. Water does not hold back from joining with a larger body, nor does it fear a loss of identity or control. It gracefully and humbly tumbles into the vastness by contributing its energy and merging without resistance. Each time we move beyond our individual egos to become part of something bigger, we can try our best to follow the lead of the river.

HALF & HALF...MY 'PERSONAL' POWER

I HAVE BEEN GIVEN THE ''PERSONAL" POWER. Now that I am half through with my education I now understand what personal power means. My personal power isn't overbearing nor meek, I have a clear sense of my strength and the impact I have on others. This actually enables us to be more sensitive. This personal power is what permits me to work on behalf of my dreams and desires. It allows me to realize that I am worthy and deserve to be heard. I know there is no reason to be afraid or ashamed of fully owning my power. I know that I have to breathe this power into every part of my body. Visualize a bright yellow sun, allow its heat to melt any tension, and let its light dissolve anydarkness or heaviness. I have to nurture my personal power, honor my dreams and desires, make concrete plans to manifest them in the world. I know that I deserve to have my dreams come true and that I have been given the power to get started.

THE GRADUATE....SURFING THE GALAXY (ASCENDING UPWARDS - LIFES STEPPING STONES)

We are the continual state of growth and evolution.

Each stage in our evolution paves the way for the next.

Each stage prepares us for the next challenge,

The next opportunity,

The next expression of our being.

Whether or not we are enjoying our current situation,

Know that we are just passing through on our way to the next level,

The next stepping stone…

On the journey of our life.

It's often difficult to see our direction in the midst of the journey,

But if we could look back on our lives

Watch them unfold from a higher vantage point,

The direction of our growth

The connection between one experience and the next would be clear.

As we follow our path,

We often revisit the same issues,

But from a higher, wiser place each time.

We may not see how the present situation is serving us

Or where it may lead,

Know that we are exactly where we are supposed to be.

Our soul knows where we're headed.

Trust that our stepping stones are leading us exactly where we need to go.

JUST A POEM I WROTE, THOUGHT I'D SHARE IT ON THIS MY GRADUATION DAY!

EMBRACEABLE ME: COMPARING MYSELF TO OTHERS

I am unique. There is no one else like me in the entire universe. In honor of my unique self, I acknowledge and embrace the special qualities that make me the person that I am, not comparing myself with others. I know its human nature to compare myself to others; especially if I think that they are better than me or have more of something that I want. Yet, I have found in truth that it is not a good use of time to compare myself with others because there is no one like me and this makes me incomparable. It is sometimes almost easier to look outside of myself and feel like I am deficient in comparison to other people rather than taking responsibility for my own progress in relation to the fulfillment of my lifepurpose. It actually takes more courage to be self-referential and look at myself to see whether I am measuring up to my standards or meeting my full potential. I know that I have a very special gift and I am here for a very specific reason. I have a life purpose to fulfill and with this come the lessons that I must learn and the circumstances that I must go through in order to evolve as a spiritual being.

EYE OF PAIN

There are times in my life when I feel like I am having the same kinds of experiences. The situation or the people involved may be different each time, yet one experience may feel exactly like the last one and the one before that one. The morning after my NOT birthday dinner party was a case where I was having the experiences over and over again. Naturally I was disappointed and frustrated and wonder why the same situations and people keep showing up in my life. I know the truth is that the same kinds of experiences don't keep happening to me. After all, the circumstances and the people involved are always different. I was so hurt that the only way to come down from this was to cry. I had to cleanse my soul, release my pain. So naturally as always, my niece saw me like hours after and she asked me why my eye was so orange? I was so taken back all I could do was hug her because she always knows when something is wrong with me. My niece is the reason why I am making this entry, she made me stop and think and I know this is the best therapy for me. I know that subconsciously, there is great value to be had in experiencing life in the same ways until I am ready to have different experiences. My experiences tend to reflect what I believe about life. I know that I bring myself and beliefs to every situation. It would be nice if I can figure out which of my beliefs are no longer of service to me, I can consciously change those beliefs, make new choices, and start having new kinds of experiences that are in line with what I want in life.

MIND WARP

Dedicated to the ones lost...

Nailed to seven crosses,

Made this demon a martyr, a saint…

How to resurrect myself?

Is the intense question

To become one human domain,

Make myself whole. Drag myself through fiery furnaces,

Eternally burning.

I know I will come out alive,

Shining…calm clear as glass

It is because I kissed each of you goodbye

Without reprisals

Put you to sleep,

On the drop of my last tear.

In the solace of my soul,

I see the future and all is blind.

I thought I was wrong,

Thought my justice was blind.

Illusions made me mad man,

The wolves are stealing my joy!

Then the lord asked me to change my world,

Grab freedom by the throat.

Use his hand to lay halt to my enemies,

Show no mercy, no hesitation.

I can see it in the wind,

The clouds are collecting.

My days are not what they use to be,

Angels can’t hold back the evil.

The tears shed floods the ground,

I shake the world with bolts of blinding lightening.

The soil washes away, opening the earth,

Releasing my energy on those I smite.

I levitate without motion,

The beast slowly falls asleep.

My storm passes though the night

Destroying all those that are surrounded by the dark light

I am awake now,

Holding back tears.

I am living a more empowered and authentic life,

I can feel positive energy flow through me.

I trust that I am where I am suppose to be,

Moving in the right direction.

I forgive you,

I am not your victim.

I have found my rainbow,

I am breaking the patterns;

Rewriting old tapes…

No longer in a mind warp!

THE 'LAST' SUPPER

The line between good and evil is a very thin one. It is so thin, that my ‘friends’ can often step from one into the other, and not even realize they have made the transition. Friends that start off doing something with the best of intentions that go slightly overboard and descend into themselves. I find it to be quite interesting how people can be so self absorbed and inconsiderate. On what should have been a stormy night, I started calling the ‘friends’ that I had invited to celebrate my birthday with me. What started off as an innocent reminder quickly turns into a downward spiral of disparaging unapologetic excuses at my expense. Masking my feelings of emptiness all the while being beside myself by what has taken place with blow after blow. I didn’t want to panic, wondering what I should do from here. If I go to the restaurant, I would have to call and cancel the reservations that were made and not go at all. Eventually, I decided to still go, celebrate my b’day with jus small amount of close friends; after all when it was all said and done it was only those few that mattered. Okay, ranting ahead. Today was supposed to be a special day...wasn't supposed to be the way but it ended up. So I am driving to the restaurant thinking I had guest awaiting my arrival. Imagine my surprise to be the first to arrive. Now I am sitting waiting, anticipating my ‘real friends’ arrival 30 minutes pass still sitting, waiting no phone calls or anything letting me know they themselves couldn’t make it. Funny I am okay with them not making it, but have the decency to phone and let me rather than have me sit like a fool. I am pretty mad at this point. How can my ‘friends’ be that inconsiderate? But the saving grace of the evening is that someone turned up that I didn’t expect, someone I didn’t even think would care and I didn’t even have to remind him or call him; he called me. He reminded that some people are just so inconsiderate and that I shouldn’t let it get to me. It's hard to ignore things that are right in front of you. Crap that you can't change.It's just so frustrating. And to top it off I’m not a patient person so giving people time to shut up is not my thing and twenty minutes of loudness seems like a lifetime to me. It's really bad to hold emotions in and when I get really pissed. I cannot be held accountable for the words that come out of my mouth when I have been pushed to the limit! (LOL). Guess for me when it all boils down to it this all has to do with negative energy. God knows that it would literally mean that I would have to change the way I look at the world...just to see these MOFO in a new light, and I can't...I won't do that...it is just not in my cards.. Always...Waiting in the wings, stage left, and the little missus never missing a thing.

THE ANGRY "WITCH"

I used to believe that this anger, this abstract, imposed-from-outside thing, controlled her. I believed that she could actually get rid of it. No more, though; I've learned that this anger is part of her, that its power comes from her. She isn’t aware of it and doesn’t know to avoid letting it control her. She constantly feeds it, giving it power like keeping snakes suspended above the lake.

I feel that she free-associate, a lot, spontaneously. Which is a normal thing, I've learned; I did a personality assessment and found that she is almost off the scale as an introvert and an intuitive, masking as an extrovert. I have found that introverted intuitives are people who see connections that other people don't see. Those connections often lead to triggers.

Her anger isn't necessarily a bad thing. It is corrosive and destructive. It is also extremely powerful, and can be used to accomplish amazing things IF it is harnessed, this is the problem with triggers. Her triggers are causes her to reach for her anger and makes her soul bitter. This presents the perfect opportunity that the ball of snake is waiting for, a chance to strike once again.

I wish she could/would get pass herself, not feel like she fading; stop associating herself with things, people that make her feel useless, unimportant and irritating. I wish that she uses her intuitive power and see things for what they are worth, not get hang up on the issues that ain't important. Love herself, stop trying to prove herself to herself and others, know that she is unique and doesn't need to fit in, she knows that she can't be molded like the rest of the world...Yet still she tries, making the world pay for her pain.

THE GIFT OF ME…SERVING HUMANITY

Twenty-eight years ago, the world was blessed with a gift of a child. A child so special he was molded by God himself, I'm His child he is in me all around me...A brand new day has dawn as I celebrate the miracle of my birth. I will count a blessing for each candle; I will have my cake and eat it too! Unwrapping the day, savoring it sending a dream-wish straight to heaven on the wings of prayer. I want you to know I am thinking of you with a warm heart as the world gathers together for me to celebrate in this special way, because I was born on this very special day. Birthdays signify different things to different people. I am thrilled to be a turning a year older. As I get older, I often reflect on the past while looking to the future. Remembering what a blessing life is; the reason why I am here. So even after this day is gone I will continue to let myself shine on!

Unto U…

From the beginning of time,

A richly colored twinge of dusk touching the eastern horizon,

The lengthening of shadows,

And the appearance of the evening's first star,

Has let her know that it was time to rest,

Relax, and retire…her job is now done…I am here!

1000 days is a day for me…

I am the utterance of deep & heart-felt truth,

The true oracle!

With a simple stroll through the realms of existence,

I can show you an enlightened world:

Just coming to life, each day, with the passage of time.

My existence is to nurture & enrich your soul

As it begins to diminish,

I am the waxing & waning of life,

I am the glowing visage

I bathe the world in an ethereal, wistful glow…

Never losing my identity or stifling my creativity.

I won’t allow you to suffer!

I am the exulted one!

I am blessed!

Devouring the sun,

I am highly favored!

Drinking the moon.

Time is but a stream I go a-fishing in

I stay a float amidst the spin…

While the entire earth quiver under my feet.

I know that I was born with the instruction manuals.

I know that your life isn’t as good as it gets,

I have sacrificed everything in exchange for it!

I am not hiding within your reality,

I am strength without a push,

I am old world class, and new world style.

I am movement without effort,

I sleep in the arms of experience

Nestled in the arms of pain.

I am thought without thinking!

I am authentic, and original.

I am knowledge,

I am truth and light!

Always....my GOD-SELF!

In the end only I matter!

Do you know who I am?

WHO AM I?

I SHALL PASS THROUGH THIS WORLD BUT ONCE,

THEREFORE IF THERE BE ANY KINDNESS
I CAN SHOW OR ANY GOOD THING
I CAN DO LET ME DO IT NOW.

LET ME NOT DEFER IT OR REGRET IT

FOR I SHALL NOT
PASS THIS WAY AGAIN.

Im (perfect)ion

Power Embodied, Bravery Defined!

Brilliance Projected, Integrity Refined!

Leaping Forward, & Always Abounding!

…Forever Resounding!

Born gay through god’s plan

Living gay through my plan

I bow to no man prejudices

I’ve dealt with my own imperfections

Now you learn to deal

Your issues will remain

So suppress me, stress me,

Your blissful high of ignorance is so knowledgeable

I know that we are all created equal,

Making us God's angels.

Society will not, cannot persecute this individual!

For in the centermost part of my being

I embrace the beauty and greatness of myself as a creation of GOD.

For within me there is a profound place

At whose edge I sit & dream

I cannot live by bread alone,

Nor will I live by your excuses.

So accept that I love the skin I'm in,

Despite the scratches,

The bruises,

The blemishes,

The scars…

I'm imperfect jus for me.

I know it’s hard to step out of your mindset,

View your conundrum with a fresh eye.

Diversity is about who we are

So shut your eyes to reality,

Invite your own destruction,

Pretend things aren't what they seem.

Project your evil as if it’s my own.

So as you sin against others,

Others sin against themselves,

I will not struggle with your internal and external homophobia

Dealing wit traumatizing events,

Playing hide n' seek like kids having no one to look for.

I see that your vision is clouded,

I know I am not a saint and I'm not made of stone,

The world has to admire me.

I am already despised and misunderstood,

But I am a great genius,

I'm certain of it.

I don’t fear perfection,

I will never reach it…

I am im (perfect)ion personified!