Many of us learn how to have sex from porn. The standard porn scenario starts with a quick connection, maybe kissing, then some oral, then somehow miraculously both partners are ready for anal, and after five to 10 minutes, both partners ejaculate. If this is the model we are going by, is there any wonder why we have trouble staying erotically engaged with each other?
The desire and need for an intimate touch goes very deep. Yet, as gay men, we lose our ability to open up to it. It seems that as we develop our mental capacities, we are taught that as gay men our feelings and needs are wrong. We then are shamed into expressing our desires and needs. So, we resign ourselves to a life of deep cravings, needs and desires that are never fulfilled, leaving most of us with a deep feeling of lacking, avoid we seek to fill through porn.
Having sex or being erotically engaged with a partner is THRILLING in MANY ways! Yet SO many of us have resigned ourselves to what we have seen in porn…I know that they are merely (barely) telling a story, but it is VERY important that we distinguish between fantasies and reality. A fantasy can be as “out there” as you want it to be and it is unlikely that it will ever be realized. That’s why it’s called a fantasy!
Over the years, I’ve listened to MANY gay men talk about how they like sex and most of it stems from the porn they see. To know that it is just a movie and they are merely F$CKING for money is all good, but when we take those elements into our various relationships aren’t we just perpetuating the notion that we don’t know how to enjoy each other sexually? The loss of innocence is no small thing. It's not a terrible thing either but once it's gone...it's gone FOREVER! How can we NOT see that every time we watch men have sex- well, sell themselves for sex, they are doing an injustice to what we REALLY do in the bedroom? So I wonder how long can we REALLY do this to ourselves.
How does it make us feel good to know that @ the end of the sex scene the performers seem either ashamed, "down" or condescending of each other…especially of the bottom? Would it kill the producers to put guys together that have chemistry? You know the guys that enjoy each other by kissing, caressing and exploring each other? How can some gay men base their entire sexual experience on such elements that show just ONE side of how we could have sex? SHIT we have a challenge just trying to combine both the heart connection and the erotic intimacy, so how can we take our queue from porn? Erotic contact with another is nourishing and life-enhancing and porn does NOT give us that opportunity. The contact that we get from porn fizzles out VERY quickly…
…And getting off is all good and I know that I am beating a dead horse here, but do you think we could DEMAND a better quality of porn from the industry? How about they teach their actors how to show mutual respect, caring or even attraction for each other? Too many of the porn I cum across show the actors bored with each, which ultimately bore me as well…The confused state of being that porn brings to the surface…feeling the deep cravings and the shame N’ fear to get those needs met can cause many challenges in the area of intimacy.