
Although sex is (usually) much more fun to have than to talk about, those awkward conversations are some of the most important discussions to have. A simple talk can increase the likelihood that you're satisfied, happy, and healthy, and that your partner is too, and all of that leads to a stronger relationship (and hotter sex, let's be honest).
From virginity at an unconventional age to STIs and bedroom kinks, the following sticky issues may be difficult to bring up, but don't worryâwe have (expert- and science-backed) tips to navigate the most difficult convos.
Note for the grammar police: We use the pronoun "they" throughout to indicate one partner or the other, as the issues discussed can involve any and all genders.
1. The Issue: I Want My Partner to Get Tested
With an estimated 110 million total STIs in the United States and 20 million new infections a year, sexually transmitted infections pose a real risk to sexually active people. Because these infections donât always show symptoms, itâs super important to know if you are infected before exposing yourself (in more ways than one) to your partner. Getting tested is not only crucial for oneâs own health and that of a partnerâs but also for the health of the public (you noble citizen, you!), i.e. future partners and their future partners and their... you get it. Even if one partner does their part, it takes two to stop the spread of an STI, so this conversation is a must-have before a couple sleeps together.
The conversation: Again, this isnât an easy one. Licensed psychologist and certified sex therapist Lori Buckley suggests bringing up the topic when you are pretty sure that sex is in the imminent future (as in, youâre likely to sleep with this person soon, but not so soon that youâre already in bed). She recommends starting by talking about your own history and then asking about your partnerâs. A good line: âI have been recently been tested, and I donât have any STIs. Have you been tested?â A direct, non-accusatory approach like this effectively introduces the issue so thereâs no room for misunderstanding.
2. The Issue: I Have an STI (Sexually Transmitted Infection)
Since it's definitely possible (it's in the name, after all) to transmit an STI to someone youâre sleeping with, it's a good idea to bring up the topic before things get too hot and heavy. Preventing the spread of STIs means knowing a) whether one has a disease, b) how and when it is transmitted, and c) how transmission can be prevented. A good deal of prevention relies on practicing safer sex, which in turn relies heavily on communication. Seriously: One study found that when couples talked to each other about condom use and sexual histories, they were more likely to practice safer sex than couples who talked about âsafe sexâ in general . The conversation is definitely one that has to happen, and it has to be specific.
The conversation: Nationally recognized sex and relationship expert Ian Kerner, PhD, says that there is no great time to have the âI have an STIâ conversation. However, there are a number of ways to make sure it goes as smoothly as possible. Body language and information are both key here. âWith this sort of conversation, side-by-side communication is better than face-to-face,â Kerner says. Taking a walk or a drive together can facilitate conversation, create a soothing atmosphere, and relieve some of the pressure. Kerner also suggests having as much information about the particular STI on hand before bringing up the topic. Having the facts straight before the big talk can go a long way to making both partners feel a little more in control of the situation.
3. The Issue: Safe Sex Is Super Important to Me, but It Seems Like Itâs Less So to My Partner
Safe sex, which includes getting tested for STIs, preventing unwanted pregnancies, and staying safe while drinking, should be a priority no matter what a personâs relationship status. Unfortunately, not everyone thinks about minimizing sex-related risk (20-somethings are particularly uninformed), so itâs up to the rest of us to get the discussion going.
The conversation: Negotiation shouldnât be part of the conversation at all, Buckley says. A good one-liner? âIf you want to have sex with me, you have to respect my values.â If someone still canât work with those boundaries, drop âem fast. Kerner says that upholding oneâs stance on safe sex is âa point of dignity and self-esteem and self value; it says that you care about your body, you care about yourself, and you value a partner who respects you.â
4. The Issue: Iâve Faced Sexual Trauma in the Past
While every situation, individual, and relationship is different, the issue of sexual assault is a serious one. In 2012, close to one in five women and one in 71 men reported having been raped at one or more points in their lives. (And these numbers likely underestimate the actual incidence of rape and donât include other forms of sexual violence, such as unwanted sexual contact.) Sexual trauma does not preclude positive sexual experiences, but it certainly can affect a personâs emotions and behaviors in sex-related situations. The decision to bring up an event or events in the past is ultimately up to the individual and definitely requires trust. However, once the decision has been made, it's worth it to think through how to approach the talk.
The conversation: First, decide how much you feel comfortable sharing and stick to your guns. Bring up the topic when emotions are not running high, and make it clear that you have something important and difficult to share with them. Simply say, âIâm struggling with the right words to say,â Buckley suggests. Chances are, youâll find that you have a loving, supportive partner. Kerner recommends continuing the conversation with a couplesâ therapist who specializes in sexual trauma. However, couples who are in a loving, trusting partnership may continue the discussion on their own.
You might find yourself on the other side of such a conversation, in which case itâs totally normal to be emotionally thrown for a loop. Reactions can range from anger to fear, but regardless of the emotion, the important thing is simply to listen to and support your loved one. And itâs also perfectly OK to seek help yourself in trying to understand and process the potentially difficult information youâve learned.
5. The Issue: Thereâs Something in My Past That My Partner Doesnât Know About
Soooo.. I used to be the girlfriend of a female international drug smuggler, but now I'm engaged to a man, and I don't quite know how to bring up my past to him.
While most of us do not have quite such a TV-worthy past, chances are that someone will have at least one or two things that they think is need-to-know info for a partner. Research shows that self-disclosure to a partner can boost self-esteem, confidence in a relationship, and relationship quality. However, whether it's a past marriage, divorce, abortion, unusual sexual past, or other particularly significant event that you want to share, it's important to bring it up at the right time.
The conversation: Buckley recommends first thinking about why the particular piece of information is important for your partner to know. You donât have to share everything with everyone, she says, but giving and receiving information is part of building a strong relationship. As for time and place, Kerner advises picking a private place where you and your partner can have an unhurried conversation. Try a Saturday or Sunday afternoon when your can carve out some alone time and end with a bit of cuddling.
6. The Issue: Iâm a Virgin
There are a number of reasons a person may remain a virgin into adulthood âchances are, however, there is a reason. âIf someone has made that choice, then there is a reason why they made that choice. Disclosing that information requires some vulnerability, which is necessary for intimacy,â Buckley says. Essentially, itâs an individualâs decision to tell their partner, but it can help to build closeness and trust.
The conversation: This is one thatâs best to have face-to-face, Kerner says. Buckley recommends opening with a question: âWhat are your thoughts about casual sex?â After hearing your partnerâs input, you can state your own beliefs, which transitions nicely to the topic of virginity. Whether youâre committed to waiting until marriage or youâre eagerly anticipating becoming an ex-virgin, be up-front about your values. Another approach is to tell your partner as a preface to intimacy. A partner should feel âhonored, flattered, and potentially excitedâ by the disclosure, Kerner says, making it a perfect topic to slip in when you are fooling around (assuming youâre open to going all the way eventually).
7. The Issue: I Want to Spice Things up in the Bedroom, but I Donât Know if My Partner Would Be Down for Gettinâ a Little (or a Lot) Kinky
Whether itâs a fetish, sexual fantasy, or just trying something out of the ordinary, mixing it up in the bedroom is not an uncommon desire for people in relationships . Research shows that both men and women in long-term relationships tend to lose sexual interest over time . However, many appear to be quite interested in regaining that desire. According to a survey of 1,418 men and 1,923 women, fewer than 3 percent of respondents indicated that they would not want to try something new in the bedroom. The rest? The majority were âentirely interestedâ in trying something new.
The conversation: Got something spicy in mind? Great. Your partner probably does too. Approach the subject when the two of you are feeling a little flirty, and bring it up as, "I had a really sexy dream about you last night... â This way of sharing a fantasy lets your partner know that the desire comes from a subconscious part of you, Kerner says. So before whipping out a whip, test the waters by playing messenger for your subconscious self.
8. The Issue: I Want to Start Seeing Other Peopleâin Addition to My Current Partner
While polyamory isnât for everyone, a non-traditional relationship is certainly an option for some. A positive monogamous relationship may boost health, but monogamy in general doesnât appear to be healthier than other forms of a relationship. In fact, polygamy may be the evolutionally (if not socially) advantageous form of bonding between humans . If someone thinks that non-monogomy is ultimately right for them, then itâs worth knowing how to navigate that subject with a partner.
The conversation: This one is going to vary depending on your partner's personality and the expectations set in the beginning of the relationship. âIf [non-monogamy] hasnât been part of the relationship from the beginning, itâs pretty hard to introduce,â Kerner says. However, that doesnât mean that itâs not impossible to bring up once a couple has been together for a while. While Kerner suggests planting a seed for the future by alluding to a sexual fantasy, Buckley takes a more direct approach, saying that having the conversation is a win-win: âYou might find that the other person wants those things too, or you find out that the other partner isnât into it.â Either way, a couple gets valuable information about each other and the future of their relationship.
9. The Issue: Something Smells, and Iâm Pretty Sure Itâs Not Me
Unfortunately, personal hygiene doesn't mean the same thing to everyone. What might be A-OK for one person (no post-workout shower, no problem!) might be supergross for another. And it's hard to get down with gettin' down while unpleasant aromas linger.
The conversation: Depending on how long the relationship has been going or the comfort level, it might be best to approach this one in a roundabout way. Both Kerner and Buckley suggest a pre-nooky soap-up session. However, if you'd like to address it a little more directly, and with an eye toward coming up with a long-term solution, try bringing your own habits into it. "Gosh, I feel so gross if I don't shower after the gym. Where are you at with that?" could do the trick in getting the conversation started. The key is to avoid being passive-aggressive about the issue. As for making the ask, acknowledge that itâs an awkward topic, reassure your partner that youâre way into them overall and that you donât want to embarrass them, and then proceed gently with the request. In short, be âclear, concise, and compassionate."
10. The Issue: I Want to Know What âWeâ Are
Ah, the notorious relationship talk. From friends with benefits to a âreal couple,â there are plenty of possible labels to paste on coupledom. However, simply defining a relationship will not ensure that all of the pieces are thereâtrust, monogamy, or whatever you have in mind. One study found that building trust in a relationship is a back-and-forth process between partners involving a number of small steps such as doing little things to show a partner oneâs value for them . Actions speak louder than words, it seems?
The conversation: While open communication can lead to less stress among couples, this may be one instance in which confronting the issue head-on may not be the best approach. Even if you are eager to slap a label on things, try breaking it down into smaller, actionable steps. Instead of a premature discussion of what exactly you are, try spending more time with your partnerâs family and friends or making a regular date night. Build up the relationship by integrating meaningful aspects of your lives, and youâll likely find that thereâs less pressure to define the relationship. Once things do progress to a certain point (i.e., you feel you and your partner are ready to be exclusive), youâll likely find the conversation comes more easily.
11. The Issue: Iâm Really into My Partner, but We Donât Quite âClickâ in Bed
Tall, dark, handsome (and funny, nice, gives great hugs!) but... not a great kisser. Like, not even a little bit. This might not actually be your partnerâs fault but more of an it-takes-two issue that can be solved with some communication. Buckley says that sometimes we may get lucky and end up with a partner whose moves are exactly what we like, but most of the time that doesnât happen. And itâs up to us to provide constructive feedback.
Research shows that the more open a person is with their partner about sexual preferences, the higher the degree of that personâs own sexual satisfaction. In addition, a partnerâs lack of knowledge about sexual preferences is associated with sexual dysfunction in the relationship . Makes sense, doesnât it?
The conversation: According to Buckley, there are two strategies here, and only one of them involves clothing. She says that a conversation you can have out of bed would begin something like âthe other night when you were [insert turn-on here] really turned me on.â Then you can tack on what youâd like to improve. Positive reinforcement coupled with actionable suggestions can only help to bring you and your partner more in line sexually. The second strategy involves giving some verbal or nonverbal direction to your partner while in the moment. Try making adjustments or telling your partner when they are doing something right. (A simple, âOh, YES,â will do.)
12. The Issue: Iâm Not Satisfied With How Often We Knock Boots
Unfortunately, a mismatch in sexual desire is not an uncommon problem for couples. In general, the more out-of-sync a couple is, the more likely they are to have an unstable and unsatisfying relationship . Because whatâs normal for one partner can be completely different for the other, sex-related tension (and not the good kind!) can easily develop. Itâs worth sitting down with your partner to figure out whatâs up when your sex life is feelinâ down.
The conversation: This is a good chat to have out of the bedroom so there will be much less pressure. Regardless of which end of the spectrum you are when it comes to sex drive, kick off the convo with a simple observation: âIâve noticed that I tend to want more/less sex than you, and itâs making us both a little tense. How do you feel about it?â Feeling out where your partner is at can go a long way toward addressing the issue, but itâs not going to solve it. Individuals with low sex drives donât usually have a problem getting into the mood once things get hot and heavyâthe problem is getting to that point, Buckley says. This conversation can lead to some brainstorming about how both partners can get on the same page. Sometimes a little structure is all thatâs need to troubleshoot and minimize the anxiety one or both people are feeling.
The Takeaway
While there are probably hundreds of other awkward sex-related issues that may come up in relationships, the strategies for dealing with most of them are pretty similar: a) know what you want to achieve with a conversation, b) bring up the issue at the appropriate time, c) donât be wishy-washy about your values, and d) remember that conversations (and relationships!) are two-way streets. A final important point to remember, Buckley says, is that conversations with a romantic partner are not just about giving information but about getting information as well. So however awkward the talk may be, itâs ultimately about getting to know oneâs partner and building intimacy by listening as well as sharing.
I have developed a no-filter policy when it comes to sex. I don't get it often enough for it not to be what I want and need. And people just need to talk about it more... it's no different that creating a grocery shopping list or hiring a contractor.
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