I CAME ACROSS THIS EMAIL & WONDERED WHAT ADVICE WOULD YOU GIVE TO THIS PERSON: I am recently out of a 16 year
relationship. I met my my ex-spouse when I was 25 and at 41 suddenly found
myself, (pardon the pun) thrust into singledom. I was not only shocked, but
frankly disgusted at the attitude of the gay men in the community when it comes
to relationships. What happened to the guys while I was living my life in the
I have never heard as much BS shoveled as guys that supposedly want
to date. Some of my favorites to date:
• "Date? Oh no, we cannot go on a date, we can be
friends and see where it goes".
• Him: "I want to get to know you better..." Me:
"Like a date?" (refer to comment above)
• Said by a 50+ year old to me... "I don't see myself settling
down until I am in my 60's" (good luck finding a nurse maid. I will
change a partners diaper if we built a life together, but not yours because you
decided you don't want to die alone)
• Him: "I see myself having a boyfriend and I spend 2-3 nights a
week at his house and him 2-3 at mine". (Seems an awful lot like
dating to me).
• Well, I see my partner having a drawer at my house and me at his, that way
a split is easier. (Nice, start a life together with the exit strategy
already in place).
I have talked to friends about this and the only thing I can seem
to come up with is that suddenly the word "date" doesn't mean to
"get to know someone", it is like you are engaged and picking out
china patterns. Am I reading this wrong?
It also appears to me that gay men want some sort
of guarantees that life is going to be rainbows, unicorns, and flying
monkeys shooting out of your ass 24 hours a day, seven days a week, as there
can be no drama. Do you have to be Rebbecca of Sunnybrook Farm all day
every day, and never have ups and downs?
I can tell you after 16 years that life is messy. We had divorces
of family members, deaths of grandmothers and parents, changes in employment
status, etc. So, to add the remark, "Oh, and no drama", I am
guessing that I am the only person on the planet not to have grown up at
Disney's Fantasyland. I am utterly confused.
I get the feeling that gay men seem to be of the opinion that if
you are friends with someone first, it is automatically going to work out. The
problem, I have never slept with a friend, nor do I plan to as that is the
surest way to lose a friend. I have always found that after I get to know
someone so well, I know way more about that person than a boyfriend should
know, and I don't ever want to sleep with them (That orgy on top of the post
office in West Hollywood, where you got fisted with no lube...yikes!).
How is a single man supposed to find love in a community that wants
marriage and yet has no respect for it at the same time? I am tired of people
wanting to find out what is behind the next zipper, and not actually wanting to
get to know the person to which that appendage your after is attached. Have I
become too unrealistic or jaded? I am beginning to feel that I will spend the
rest of my life alone.
Jaded in Love, or Too Idealistic