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Wednesday, October 13, 2010

MASTURBATING IN THE DARK


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How many of you can remember the first time you masturbated? The feeling that is unlike any other…the feeling you chase for years on end (@ least I did) only to find out that you cannot capture it again (I did have LOTS of fun trying though). I remember the first time I saw this act of self love being performed. I walked in on my uncle doing it and IMMEDIATELY I knew what he was doing despite the fact that I’ve NEVER seen this being done before. I stood there in amazement marveling the size of his dick, fight the urge to go to him and sit on it. Now the thing about this memory is that I get arouse as it plays over in my mind, but the other side of my wanting to straddle his penis frightens me because that makes me wonder if I was molested by my uncle.

I’VE NEVER TOLD THIS TO A SINGLE SOUL, NOT EVEN NOEL! But I figure since I’ve been over and over this in my mind for SO long, can I brush this off as a young boy that is curious about the anatomy of man? Heck, the image of my uncle pleasuring himself and my yearning to straddle him doesn’t feel like something I’ve seen or felt just that one time. My wanting to straddle him seems like something so familiar to me that I sometimes wonder…Nonetheless I know that there is this part of me that knows the truth, but for some reason I refuses to let myself know if I was introduced to the sexual energy of a man when I was a little boy. For MANY years my uncle LOATHE my sexuality, things got physical between us and more time than I care to count, I remember him telling me VERY often that if I grew up to be gay he would kill me.

I wonder why he didn’t kill after pretending to be asleep night after night as I masturbated watching porn in the living room after everyone feel asleep. I sometimes wonder why he allowed a few months to pass before telling me that he sees me every night and that he was NOT sleeping on the couch like I thought. I can’t help but beg to ask myself if he somehow got off on me getting off? I remember SO vividly him instructing me to throw away the porno (which was ‘straight’ btw) tape that I hid in the house along with the cum stained male underwear magazine. I thought for sure I would have gotten killed by him. But nope, I lived to carry on the act of self love, but this time I chose to indulge myself in the bathroom. I used whatever hole my penis could fit into to get off, but what I really wanted was to be penetrated. No matter, because I was getting off, in my private little world not knowing that it wouldn’t be that way for because my uncle put an end to that…AND OF COURSE HIS ANGER GREETED ME!

I sometimes wonder if his reason for hating who I am was because in himself he thought that he brought this energy to me as a young boy. I remember him SEVERELY punishing me for ‘play house’ with boys. Hell I remember him beating the crap out of me for NO reason @ all sometimes when my mom was @ work and it got WORSE when he found out that the little boy did grow up to be a gay man. The first time I just laid there and watch him go through the motions and him looking @ me with puzzle eyes because for someone who has And it is SO strange when I think about myself as that person because even though I willing participated in sex with my boyfriend, I made him wait a year before I had sex with him. OH GOD HOW I HATED IT!NEVER had sex with a man before, I sure didn’t have any reaction of pain or pleasure…I was just there…Back then I didn’t think about that boy that saw his uncle pleasuring himself or that boy that he took out his frustrations on. Nonetheless I suppose because as I carry questions with me about my relationship with my uncle, ONE IMAGE COMES TO ME & IT IS MY TELLING HIM ON HIS DEATH BED THAT I KNOW WHO HE IS & WHAT HE IS REALLY ABOUT! I CAN ONLY HOPE THEN THAT AS I REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BOY MASTURBATING IN THE DARK, I CAN SET HIM FREE…

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