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Sunday, September 19, 2010

MY MOTHER, HER FINANCES & HER FAITH

I often find that repeated bouts of adversity are an unavoidable aspect of my human existence. I sometimes battle against inner struggles or outer world forces, and in many cases, emerge on the opposite side of the struggle stronger and better equipped to cope with the challenges yet to come. However, more times that I care to count, I encounter a particular trial that seems utterly HOPELESS! I strike @ it with all of my strength AND perseverance, hoping desperately to find some sort of resolution, ONLY to meet with the same results as always. My first instinct in such situations is often to push harder against the seemingly immovable obstruction before me, assuming that this time it will be met with a different outcome. But what do I do when the struggle I have is my mother, her finances and her faith?

As I sit and write this entry knowing what decision I came to, it still puzzles me that I made it. You see I have NO problem giving my mother money to help her do what she needs to do, but when I know she is going to take it and put it the pastor’s bank account, I have a SERIOUS problem with that. I thought maybe I should get what she needs rather than giving her the money to get it, but then I realized she is a grown woman and if she decides to put her needs last, is that my problem? Do I wish she could get a change in perspective and behavior that would move her to a place where she can @ least have a meal everyday? HELL YES! But I had to understand that whether my intention is to change this element of HER world, I CANNOT punish her not seeing what I see. She HAS to come to realize that if her patterns of thought and behavior remain the same, her life’s WILL continue to unfold the exact same way day in and day out.

I know that folks would see my view of her fruitless faith as harsh or sacrilegious and that doesn’t bother me. What does bother me is that they refuse to see how her faithfulness to the pastor of the church takes SO much from her…even her gay son. Nonetheless I consider it necessary that I question her faith and the lack of mine. Asking myself this question allowed me to make a small adjustment to my thought processes and behaviors because @ the end of the day I have NO concern what a beggar on street does with the money I give, so why should I worry about what my mother does with hers? Breaking myself free from the conscious patterns that have long held sway over my actions and reactions wasn’t easy but @ the end of the day I would like to know that I did the best I can despite myself. Therefore if I wish to court the change I wish to see, I HAVE TO acknowledge that only change begets change and know that my beliefs with regard to cause and effect aren’t always going to be in accordance with I need or want.

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