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Tuesday, September 14, 2010

"LIFE IS BUT A DREAM"

I am CONSTANTLY being told/shown that this world I perceive as real is actually an illusion, not unlike a film being projected. Lately I find myself in a state of unrest where my relationship with Noel is concerned. I feel SO blessed to have him and I am thankful for each day we share together, but there is apart of me that feels selfish for him being here. Lately I’ve been thinking if Noel and I hadn’t met he wouldn’t have to deal with issues like being unemployed and having to subject himself to the xenophobic ways of the Bahamas.

I try to lose myself in that thought of us as little boys singing that mesmerizing, wistful lullaby that ends with the words, “Life is but a dream.” This represents the classic example of my deep, complicated truth hiding, like an underground stream, in an unlikely place. And it winds its way through my mind like a riddle FORCING me to consider its meaning. I HATE that I get SO involved in the projection of what life is, that I forget to see it for what it REALLY is. How do I get SO caught up in the illusion of life? Why do I let myself believe the illusion that I am in a life and death struggle of my relationship?

I think because Noel is me and I am him, I take on the things that he would take on and it is SO funny because when he went home earlier this year, I made him promise me that he wouldn’t stress out his employment situation upon his return. I felt SO close to the light of awareness that I have NO idea how I got caught up in this passing fancy…wondering how do I get back to the place where I live my life with detachment, compassion, and wisdom, without struggling on the “stage” play of life? Yesterday I couldn’t bring myself to understand that knowing that life is but a dream does not mean that I ignore it or don’t do my best with the twists and turns of our fate. Rather, I need to become that actor who plays his role FULLY even as I know it is ONLY a role, I MUST engage in the unfolding drama, but with a little more freedom because I know that this is not the totality of who Noel and I are.

Our relationship is more of an ad-libbing than it is like a play whose lines have already been written, whose end is already known. Like improvisers, we have choices to make and the more we embrace the illusionary quality of the performance, the lighter we can be on the planet, on others, and MORE importantly ourselves. We can truly play with the shadows cast by the light of the projector, fully engaging without getting bogged down. And I will do my best to remember that…

“Through struggle and diligence, we learn to extend ourselves past the arbitrary limits we once set and boldly accept challenges that will test our skills, abilities, and perseverance. As you strive to do your best today regardless of what duty you’re addressing, you’ll invite achievement and distinction into your existence.”

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