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I am whatever YOU think I am until YOU get to KNOW me. This is true for everyone else too, of course.. so don't make assumptions about anyone or pass judgment; ask questions. You might just make a new friend.

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Monday, October 5, 2009

MY SOUL LOOKS BACK…THE MAN I WAS, THE MAN I AM…



REMEMBER TO FIGHT THAT GOOD FIGHT
My life story: Mental Accessibility Denied
I wont be bound by my own mental prison transforming myself into what you envision
How I live my life was suppose to be my decision
Now regaining control is now my inner mission
Folks who weren’t healed chose my innocence to steal
Now their and my own issues I’m forced with to deal
Looking through my eyes you wouldn’t believe what I’ve seen is real
Yet everybody but no one knows how I feel
I refuse to give in to the past hurt manifesting within
A life of homosexuality isn’t what I’m suppose to be in
To break free of societies chains that bind me I need to seek a POWER in two direction Both above and within me!!!!
JUST SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT WHEN LIFE GETS YOU @ THE END OF YOUR ROPE REMEMBER...NEVER GIVE UP


It is said that, “Vision is the ability to see the future through the past,” and my story has shown me that NOTHING happens without a purpose and though I may never understand fully the significance of my experiences, I am in a place where I can appreciate that they indeed took place. My story taught me about life because it exposed me to something unfamiliar, and it showed me that conflict is an unavoidable part of life. I’ve learned that pain is a fact of being and one that permeates all our lives to some degree; and for most gay men NO pain hurts more than COMING OUT. The path that speeds us toward life can be a challenging and complex one, so it’s easy to get bogged down in confusion and insecurities. We often hesitate at the start of that path, questioning our purpose or our capabilities. So imagine trying to do this while being gay? For better or worse, much of the world we experience is dominated and controlled by human beings…if we let them direct our lives…

I FIRMLY believe that EVERY person that passed through my life made a contribution to my story that changed AND shaped me forever. I learned SO much about who I was and who I am to this VERY day; and even though none of these persons are in my life today, I still am grateful that they came…For my story is one of many and we are all held as slaves to our sexuality until we find our voice and say NO MAS! We are NO more flawed than anyone else on this planet and my aunt, uncle AND my first job showed me this. Their HATRED tried to rob me of MY humanity AND gave me nothing but PAIN. For a long time I believed that something was wrong with me. How could it not…right? Of course you know that I don’t believe this to be the case. In fact I hope that EVERY gay person on this planet is developing a HEALTHY view of themselves despite what the world says. I’ve found that having a healthy view of one’s self CANNOT start from any so-called religious teaching OR concept. Spiritual atonement will come as soon WE let go of all that they put on us which are the lies AND psychological manipulation to damage our minds.

I found the process of presenting my story SO therapeutic because it allowed me to see that my life is defined by the decisions I make each day; and ultimately, only I can know how the options before me will impact my daily life AND long-term well-being. Within me lies the power to competently take control of who I am and who I will be. NEVER again will I allow my aunt to make me feel like HER GOD doesn’t consider me…NEVER again will I allow my uncle who has his own closet to protect, to make me feel pain because of his inability to be himself. You see I found out about my uncle’s sexual behavior when I befriended one of the former priests of my church. He told me how my uncle seemed like he was trying to fit in, by letting others who had money use him and that ALWAYS made him feel insecure. I often wonder to myself if my uncle’s reaction to my sexuality was his way of trying to protect me from what he went through OR he didn’t want me to find out about his sexuality? Either way it is comforting knowing THE TRUTH ABOUT LIARS. His actions struck me (literally) the hardest because it is one thing to lie, but it is another to know the truth and try to hide it from the many that would rightly oppress you. He sought to make me lose my way so he could discard his own. Talk about impacted lies huh? Make no mistake; he knew EXACTLY what he was doing. If homosexuality is SO irrelevant, why is he trying to beat me straight? I felt like I had qualified for super villain status that needed to be stopped.

My first FINALLY sought me out a few years ago and apologized for making things SO difficult for me AND he wished that he had seen what I was trying to show him all along. I told him not to worry because my relationship with him made me a better man because it saved me from some potential bad decisions…Most of my friends think that I was CRAZY to accept his apology. But I wouldn’t be who I am if I didn’t…Shows me that I needed to put my story out there because they don’t fully realize that we all have within us the ability to co-create our lives with the universe; and I will be damned if I take this past pain with me into my future…

I KNOW THAT WHEN I SALUTE THE UNITY THAT BINDS US ALL, I AM MORE ABLE TO ACCEPT THE JOURNEY THAT EVERYONE IS ON, FOR ALL PATHS ULTIMATELY LEAD TO THE SAME UNIVERSAL SPIRIT. BEING ABLE TO SEE ONENESS N’ VARIETY @ THE SAME TIME, WHILE IT MAY SEEM PARADOXICAL, IS AN IMPORTANT STEP ON MY PATH TOWARDS ENLIGHTENMENT. MY STORY HAS TAUGHT ME THAT IT IS ONLY THROUGH THE RESPECT OF DIFFERENCES THAT WE BEGIN TO AFFIRM HOW INTERCONNECTED WE ALL ARE…AFTER ALL FORGIVENESS IS NOT MY PROBLEM, FORGETFULNESS IS…

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