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I am whatever YOU think I am until YOU get to KNOW me. This is true for everyone else too, of course.. so don't make assumptions about anyone or pass judgment; ask questions. You might just make a new friend.

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Thursday, October 1, 2009

MY SOUL LOOKS BACK…HE WHO LIVED IT KNOWS...



Continuing this soul session of mine brought back SO many feelings…feelings I thought were dead and buried. As I was writing yesterday’s entry, I had to stop a few times and breathe because I felt those old feelings again. You know the ones where your world changes forever? Yep those…So as I continue I hope that the tears don’t cloud my eyes so I can put a clear picture of my story out there…@ that point in my life, my world was affected by my relationship, family and work. You see my first had become SO possessive that it made things difficult to deal with…

@ Home my aunt who I was VERY close to was getting all up in my business. From trying to listen in my conversations on the phone to going through my stuff to see if she could find proof of what the neighbors told her. You see the neighbors were talking about my first and how he LOVES little boys. When I asked him about that he said, “They are not telling the truth and that he would NEVER have sex with a minor.” But I do know this, I was 19 when we met and I was the oldest person he has EVER dated so how dumb does he believe I am? Basically all of friends were high school boys that LOVED hanging out with us… Anyways my aunt was calling me names, telling me how GOD won’t ever do anything good for me as long as I am living this way…And to be honest for a LONG time I believed her…I lived thinking that something was wrong with me and that I was the most horrible thing on the face of this planet. There were days when we didn’t speak to each other because it was better that way. That meant that I got some freedom from being told about the bible and the various verses she felt I needed to hear…It is safe to say that I didn’t know what to do or where to turn, this is a woman that grew me up, she was there when my mom had to work so she was like a second mother to me…But all in all I kept my cool because I felt that one should ALWAYS respect their elders. Well that changed one night when I was on the phone with my first. My aunt was on one of her let me check on this abomination of God before I head to bed mission. I was in my mother’s room watching TV and talking on the phone. She then came and started her usual stuff…saying things like, “I bet you on that phone talking to that man,” I ignored it and she noticed so she kept going on and on. I took nothing she said until she said the words that changed EVERYTHING…I WISH YOU GET AIDS! Something inside me woke up and I was like what did you say? She said you heard me; I was like okay well FUCK YOU & FUCK WHAT THE NEIGHBORS THINK! I was tired of this shit. Here I am trying to find me and these people won’t let me. So she got all upset how could I curse her and I am SO disrespectful. I was like well you cursed me by wishing a deadly disease on me. Of course that flew over her head…

So she decided to get my uncle involved…the one who she knew I HATED because he was VERY abusive and ignorant. @ First when he approached me, he asked me, “How old are you now?” He the said, “you should know right from wrong” and left it there. I breathe a sigh of relief because there was something inside me that knew I couldn’t OR wouldn’t turn back now…I was finding me…So later that week my first and I was down town about to cross the streets when out of no where this car came charging @ us like it was going to hit us…it was my uncle…he just went speeding down the streets and we went about our business and that was that so I thought…The next day he came to our house and started making all sort of noise about what the people tell him but he didn’t believe it until he saw us in town. He then told me that that ONLY reason he didn’t hit us with the car is because his wife and child were there. He started getting in my face about me being a sissy and I didn’t back down (which angered him even more). He kept going on and on and every time he threw something @ me I hit it back @ him…So he then asked the question that every dumb hetero male asks, WHO IS THE MAN & WHO IS THE WOMAN? I looked @ him and said, WELL THIS IS A HOLIDAY WEEKEND & WE ARE GOING TO RENT A PLACE TO RELAX, WHEN I KNOW WHERE WE ARE, I WILL CALL YOU LET YOU KNOW THE ROOM NUMBER & YOU CAN SIT N’ WATCH & THEN TELL ME WHO YOU THINK IS THE MAN & WOMAN. As soon as those words left my mouth, he flew into a rage and came toward me as I was sitting directly in front of him. He lifted up the chair with me in it and let it drop to the ground…I fell out of it on my side, he rushed to me held me down and started punching all over my body. I couldn’t move all I could do was take his abuse and anger. It was like everything was going in slow motion…I can recall my sister trying to pull him off me and my aunt grabbing her and holding her down saying, “if this is what your brother wants, this is what he should expect.” It is safe to say that I changed that day because I couldn’t believe a Christian would say something like that. After doing what he wanted to me, my uncle left. My mom, and other two uncles started making noise about how they are going to kill my first and all that stuff and I was like huh? I mean I am the same person they knew who got good grades in school, who ALWAYS did what he was told. So how is that I am SO dumb to be doing this to hurt them? (Their thoughts…) So I left went to meet my first and he was outraged and him being a police officer he wanted to react but I wouldn’t let him. I told him violence only brings more violence. First time he listened to me and did something that I asked of him. I only thank God that the marks inflicted on me were not in places visible by the public.

The second and last time my uncle came to attack me I was ready…he hit me, I hit him back…he got all excited and went to look for his baseball bat. @ that time I was ready to die, because I wasn’t going to let him bully me because he ordered me NOT to see my first anymore…He came @ me swinging the bat I ducked and my mother came running in the room and got in his way…He demanded that she move because he is going to put me in the hospital and if I refuse to obey his wishes, he will put back in the hospital until I stop seeing my first. My mother refused to move; though I begged her to…I was like if he thinks he could bully me he has another thing coming. He then swung the bat again hitting her on the arm. She got in his face and said, “I allowed you to come here and do what you wanted the first time, I won’t let this happen again.” He flew into a rage about how she has 2 daughters and she is only encouraging me in this mess. She was like, “I am not encouraging anything, he is his own man and he has to live his life.” After that day I moved out for a few weeks and went back home when things were calm. I thought to myself that @ least I had work to give me some peace…right? WRONG! My life had caught up with me because as soon as I walked in the door my co-worker called me and asked me if I was gay? I asked her why she wanted to know? She said, “Well the managers in the company thinks that you are and they are not going to keep you.” I was like huh? (This was the day that probation came to an end and I was going to be told if I was going to have a job or not). I told her that I am gay and if they wanted to fire then let them. About lunch time the managing director called me into her office, told me what a wonderful job I was doing and that they are pleased with my performance. She then went onto say that they don’t need any scandals brought into the company and that we all have a responsibility to make sure that we protect the company. Then she said it, “we know you are gay and we are going to keep you, but you need to keep that away from the office.” I was lost and she then said, “What makes you think I am gay?” She then said, “We see this guy hanging around all the time and NO man hangs with another man unless something is going on.” I was shocked didn’t know what to say because what I tried to protect myself from found me. I told my first and he got upset saying that it doesn’t matter what they say because I don’t need to work for them or anyone. So he kept coming around which was against my wishes. The next day my co-worker came to me and told me that the ONLY reason they didn’t fire me is because they didn’t want a lawsuit on their hands. My mind wasn’t there, but now that she mentioned it, I held it close…From that day forth they let me know that they didn’t like me OR what I represent for the 3 years I was there…I wasn’t allowed personal calls because a man should have men calling for him like that, I had a manager that wanted to hit me because I asked him a question and when we went to functions I would get things like oh do you know him because he is gay?  I HATED going to work and for years and I was ANGRY for SO many years. I could remember my walking home one day being upset when for no reason and it was @ that time that I realized that things that happened to me had changed me. I made a point to take what others did to me and turn it into something positive. I did that until the day they fired me…I can remember the day I got fired…it was SO crazy. You see the receptionist got upset because I asked her if she needed the young lady I was training for my old position as I had been tossed a bone by them finally giving me the accounting position I begged for. You see they fired the former receptionist who got promote to that position even though she was NOT qualified. So I tried to get it and they put a few road blocks. I was told that they need to see how well I did with college first (I got a B+ for my first accounting course), then they told me that weren’t going to advertise (so my co-workers helped me find someone to fill my post), then after training her for 2 weeks they told me to give them a few days to sort out my appointment as they are discussing salary and things like that…But I digress, let’s get back to the receptionist and me…after she told me about myself and that I had no right to ask her any questions she left it @ that…I was VERY upset and my co-worker came to me asking me what’s going on because she could hear her I was like I have NO idea. I said she is just being a bitch which was heard by another co-worker who was her good buddy. So naturally she ran to her and told her what I said. My co-worker came to me and asked me to talk to the receptionist and apologize even though I did nothing wrong. I did it and she was like okay, but I report you already, I was like okay, “whatever my fate is I will have to accept it.” The next day my manager called me into her office and told me that they are letting me go. I was like huh? I asked her why and she said to me, “the labor department says we don’t have to give you a reason, so please clear out your desk and leave the premises.”(Which turns out to be true btw).  I did as I was told and left…That day changed me as far as jobs are concerned. I can say until about 3 years that I never trusted anyone on a job and I always thought they were going to find out that I am gay and they will fire me or something.

By this time my first and I were broken up (funny how he got me started but wasn’t around to hold me up huh?) I ended things after finding out about his stealing money from me and others, to his lying and cheating (though I never had proof about the cheating) to his immature games (dude would call me and threatened to kill himself on a few occasions) after a while I stopped going to his place because I felt like I was going crazy. He was just saying those things to get my attention. Now that I think about it, I realized that played a dangerous game because he could have very well taken my life…But like they say when it is your time, it is your time…But as crazy as all this has been, I am glad that went through all of this because it showed me so many things about life and myself…STAY FOR THE CONCLUSION…

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