I AM...

I am whatever YOU think I am until YOU get to KNOW me. This is true for everyone else too, of course.. so don't make assumptions about anyone or pass judgment; ask questions. You might just make a new friend.

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Tuesday, October 9, 2007

UNWELL


My simple story of LOVE is a MULTI LAYERED TALE that not only echoed MY fantasies, it CHANED my ENTIRE existence as well. For far too long I have been coasting the waters of LOVE, never going deep…always enough just to keep me afloat. There are some weird dynamics that LOVE brought to the surface; I thought these things were MYTH or URBAND LEGENDS. Now I know better, only it is TOO late because I did not BELIEVE or LIVE the TRUTH of LOVE. So I try to stay out of the way, I got my lashes thought everything was fine…BOY WAS I WRONG! Stupid me thought that whether I was near LOVE or NOT it did not matter, I had no idea that I needed time away to completely grieve. And there I go again, treating LOVE like I always did only this time it made sure that I was going to be dealt with. Now after the face, I am realizing that if I had dealt with LOVE in a HEALTHY manner rather than putting it off for tomorrow, I would FIT and WELL. My HEART is open and I am DYING because I cannot go back who I use to be; NOT caring as love carried me through. I have NO control over where I am OR where I am going, this LOVE is like roaring river rapids and I occasionally glance @ the shore wishing I COULD or WOULD fight my way back. There are so many things that came into my life when I was in love, but when LOVE showed up there is a completely new ball game all together. I have been in rainstorms before but this is like a HURRICANE with the sole intent of BATTERING me BODY, SOUL and MIND. I feel as if my life was a like one of those commercials I hate and cannot avoid. It plays repeatedly in my mind with FULL COLOR and SOUND. Now that I know what LOVE is I realize that my life is just full of flashes; images of a LOVE that never had and yearned for. I use to think that I was not lonely, abandoned like dog that is panting heavily for just a touch of LOVE. I wish that I did not treat you like some haphazard chore. You made me realize that I did not LOVE until I saw you leave me and I just linger in this NO MAN’S LAND like a fool without you. It is SO crazy because ALL this time I thought I was FINE and WELL, shows how much I know huh? DAMN I thought I was doing a good job keeping the drama of YOU @ bay and out of my life. The LOSS that became my PHYSICAL EMPTINESS almost destroyed me and I wonder why I did not LOVE? Instead, I just showed love and this UNWELL feeling is like a spell that has my conscious mind all F&CKED up! HOW DO I COPE WITH THE PAIN & WOUNDS THAT HAS DEEPLY AFFECTED ME? HOW DO BELIEVE THAT THE TENDERNESS OF MY THROBBING ACHING HEART WOULD EVENTUALLY LEAD ME DOWN THE PATH OF ENLIGHTENMENT, BLESSING MY LIFE WITH THE LOVE I CRAVE? I AM UNWELL & UNFORTUNATELY, I FORGOT THAT THERE IS NO TIME LINE FOR WHEN THINGS WILL GET BETTER…& THEY SAY TIME HEALS ALL WOUNDS. DO YOU THINK THAT APPLIES TO ME? I SAY TIME MAY DULL THE PAIN, BUT IF I DO NOT HAVE LOVE THEN I WILL ALWAYS BE UNWELL.

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