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Monday, December 4, 2006

MASTURBATION = SELF ABUSE?


@ THE TENDER AGE OF 12 I INTRODUCED MYSELF TO THE WORLD OF MASTURBATION. It was wonderful and it wasn't until I got older that I realized that explosive feeling of ecstasy only happen because I hadn't ejaculated in 12 years. Still that didn't stop me from racing from school to get home in my room under the covers to find that feeling that made me 'a junkie looking for the next fix.' As a 28 year old adult I reflect back on those days and wonder if I had done myself some injustice? Had I taken away my innocence? Had I destroy something that is sacred to my soul? IN SHORT I WONDERED IF THE SWEET ACT OF MASTURBATION IS EQUIVALENT TO SELF ABUSE? I remember those days so well; I would thoroughly enjoy myself and the moment I reach where I was going I would feel guilty. I was always taught that it was wrong to conduct yourself in such behavior. It felt UNNATURAL, EVIL, SATANIC & SINFUL…DELICIOUS! I hated myself so much because anything that feels that good cannot actually be good! I believe that the better if feels the more sinful it is. OH BOY DID RACK UP SOME SERIOUS POINTS IN THAT AREA…I remember a classmate of mine telling me that I should stop because I will only frustrate myself and if I couldn’t get a GIRL then I would settle for the next best thing…(FUNNY HOW THAT WORKED OUT). He asked me to try this experiment: IF MASTURBATION IS SO NATURAL, WHIP IT OUT THE NEXT TIME WE HAVE SCHOOL ASSEMBLY & START THE PROCESS IN FRONT OF THE ENTIRE SCHOOL! He added that while I am masturbating, just explain to everyone in my short choppy breaths that it is a natural process and that it should accept it as such. I'm sure the school will understand and just wait for me to finish myself off. To make things crazier he suggested that I ask everyone else to join in while in the act…START A WHOLE NEW LEVEL OF BONDING… I didn’t think of it then, but now I realize though MASTURBATION IS SEX WITH SOMEONE I LOVE, I’ve learned that wandering hands are evil hands! My eyes were opened like adam in the garden of eden and GOD had spoken and there was no turning back…If only I’d been strong enough to resist this activity…I could have tie one hand to the bed frame with a tie in order that the habit of masturbating in a semi-sleep condition can be broken. I would have worn several layers of clothing backwards which would be difficult to remove while half asleep. GOD knows that I could have avoided people, situations, pictures or reading materials that might create sexual excitement. I wonder why when I started thinking about ANY kind of sexual thoughts, why didn’t I drop to the floor right on the spot and do 50 push-ups? Maybe if I had prayed daily, ask for the gifts of the Spirit, that which will strengthen me against temptation; I wouldn’t have abused myself. I should have prayed fervently and loud when the temptations were at it strongest. But instead I gave in to temptation and moan in ecstasy...ABUSING MYSELF OVER AND OVER AGAIN...

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