I AM...

I am whatever YOU think I am until YOU get to KNOW me. This is true for everyone else too, of course.. so don't make assumptions about anyone or pass judgment; ask questions. You might just make a new friend.

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Thursday, November 23, 2006

THE LIFE OF ME


For the life of me tell me if everything is supposed to happen for a reason, tell me why some folks are poor? Especially in this community, no matter how we try; it seems as if the odd are stacked high against us. We all have the broad shoulders and determination in our eyes; even though some of us have different things that we want, we have the general idea in mind. In my life, one may witness the struggle pain due to the cost of living. I myself have things that I want to accomplish, things that are not out there or beyond my reach. I am not the type that spends money because I am single and have no kids; I can’t because I simply don’t have it. I only wish I could save, I know you might think you are not saving because you can’t budget properly but I wish that was the problem. Like Buju Banton says in one of his songs “SPENDING A DIME, WHILE EARNING A NICKEL…’ that is so true for me and other persons out there that I know. I think that the way things are set up in this world are so crazy, but I know that I can’t change them…@ least now, but in due time. I’ve noticed that whenever there seems to be a week where I can save some cash, something happens…the car dies or a bill just finds its way to take that money from you. So me dealing with the typical financial woes I’ve taken on the task of trying to help my mom out which is very difficult. I moved out on my own @ the age of 24 and did so because if I’d stayed home any longer I wouldn’t be any good to myself or anyone around me (@ least financially). My mom doesn’t work which makes things harder for me because I find it difficult to know that I am able to feed myself and she can’t but what can I do? I didn’t tell her not to work, but @ the same token I can’t exactly ignore her and let her starve or can I? Am I selfish if I ignore the lady that gave me life carry on as if nothing is wrong? Would that make a bad person? Of course I’ve had friends tell me that I shouldn’t worry because my heart is in the right place and that I should do what I can. But I know me and I want to give my mom the things that I feel she needs, I am not trying to put my basket higher than I can reach (I am too smart for that) but I just wish that could do so much more. No matter how hard I try I can’t get pass this and I know that I have a problem letting it go. This simmers in my soul and I plot ways in which I can overcome this but I always come up empty (guess it's my addictive personality) who knows? All I know is that every time it seems that I am in a position to help out BAM shit comes my way. I wonder why I am so hooked on this? Could it be my childhood hearing my mom say over and over how other mothers were proud of their kids that has grown up and done things for them? I know that as a child I always wanted to be that person my mom spoke of with pride and pleasure. So can you blame me if I get hooked on this stuff? Oddly enough though, I consider myself a realist a man that tries to see and live in the realm of the possible. I know that if a relationship isn’t working for me I can let that go with relative ease…Move on…But this destructive vice that for some reason has me by the throat just won’t be easy on me. I wonder it’s the challenge that I LOVE? I would love to be the one that takes my family to the next level. I want to be able to get the basic necessities that one needs and that’s that. Wouldn’t it be great to go the grocery store and not look @ the price of the items and just pay for them when you are about to leave? I would love to able to keep gas in my car, pay the cable and phone on time…Follow the budget that I’ve created, but you what they say about the best laid plans…GUESS I AM JUST A FOOL…Could I be fighting years of bad KARMA that’s bigger than me? What if my family did so many things in their past lives that makes this struggle the struggle to end all struggles? So that means that my tears are in vain and my heart break for the fun of it. I didn’t give a F&CK! But knowing me the way I do, I won’t rest until I’ve satisfied my soul…until I’ve destroyed whatever was born before I...GOD KNOWS THAT THIS LIFE OF ME MAKES ME STRONGER EVEN WHEN I DON’T KNOW IT…I just wish that I wasn’t tested in this way…BUT I KNOW THAT I WON’T GIVE UP THAT EASILY, I CAN’T…

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