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I AM...

I am whatever YOU think I am until YOU get to KNOW me. This is true for everyone else too, of course.. so don't make assumptions about anyone or pass judgment; ask questions. You might just make a new friend.

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Friday, June 9, 2006

THE DAY OF REVELATION...


This the day, the day changed everything; my venire cracked and my reality shattered. I never thought that I would or could feel this kind of pain and emotion, but I was wrong. What seemed like a light at the end of the tunnel quickly faded and it all turned dark, I couldn’t believe it we were actually having a conversation, talking about things for the first time in about two weeks and then it hit me what if this was all a test, a trial to prove that I am not strong after all. I don’t get it we were laughing with each other, been so long since that took place…then BOOM there it was the question that brought me to life and killed my soul! He said to me hey isn’t it funny that we both moved on and are having sex with other persons? My response was ‘HELL NO’ and like a deer caught in the head lights he seemed confused, lost because he then told me that he did. Talk about a kick in the stomach and the elephant in the room. I was anxious and nervous, I went to see a ‘good friend’ of mine and he told me that I should expect this, that this is what happens when people are hurt and confuse. I left his office went back to work in a daze not knowing what I was going to do, how to deal with this information, going over all that was said I felt like I was sleep walking or in some terrible nightmare. I felt that if I lost myself in my work then I would be fine, that didn’t work because the universe kept sending ‘him’ way via my friends asking me about him, ‘how is he doing?’ I honestly didn’t know how to answer so I just said nothing. All I knew is that I wanted to leave run and never stop, out run my feelings and hope they don’t catch up with me because it was revelations time. OH MY GOD, I LOVE THIS MAN…how is this possible? All I can now do it cry because that means that ‘love’ has fucked me and I was still waiting to have an orgasm. I couldn’t understand why I was hurt more than I ever thought I could and I don't know why I ever thought you would go along with rules that I made up as if you cared or really gave a fuck. For twenty-seven long years I have screamed your name in an infant's cries and a young man's shame and twenty-seven years of silence on your part still hasn't stopped me from hoping that one day you'll start to take notice of me. I have tried to find you in his eyes and I have searched for your presence in between other's thighs. Once I thought that I saw your shadow, but that was just the residue I suppose. Completely unaware you seem to be; to my every request and my every plea, once again you've gone and made an ass of me and I don't know who I am supposed to be. Sure, I've called on your name a time or two and sworn that you were present each and every time, but I was fooling myself each and every time. You were nowhere to be found inside that heart of his. I know now that you don’t lurk inside of his kiss or his eyes, his ass not even his touch; you never come around…And you don't give a fuck. I have lost what I have loved paying every single day some excessive cost. I gave all of myself leaving little for anyone else. Even when I wasn’t depending on love I was looking at him to reach that final step. Now I find myself slipping, I could certainly use some divine intervention from above; perhaps I would be prepared for the circumstance love trapped…Perhaps I could deal! This feels like something surreal with false encounters seemingly real and if I knew a better way to end, better than how I began I would climb Love's mountain and triumphantly stand. Instead I am in this never-ending circle guess it’s my very own excessive cost…

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