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Wednesday, May 31, 2006

MY PERMANENT DANCE WITH LIFE (A BETTER ME)?




I thought to myself leave things be, let him own up to part in this whole thing, I was never so wrong in my life! If I had been ‘myself’ I could have killed this whole situation, made him understand where I stood, what my ‘true’ feelings were. I wanted to tell him about the fact that I am tired of going down this path and I felt alone. I cannot see life with rose-colored glasses; I can’t pretend that things are okay. I wanna tell him about the fact that I was smiling in people’s faces that were FUCKING me over; I was just bracing myself for the fall because patterns here signaled the end. I know that I am the devastating LOSS, LOVE…DREAM. I am living my never-ending spiral of sadness and emptiness...the permanent state of my being caught up in this cycle. Did I bring this onto myself? I am not able to go deep within myself, unable to rediscover the light amidst the seeming darkness. I am outrage toward the universe for what I am enduring. This is supposed to be a happy moment for me, I am free…SINGLE! I want to experience moments of strength and laughter again. Little did I know that these things come with time and I would have to be patient and exercise compassion. I know that I will eventually find my center again, but first I would have to let pain take me; knowing that I fear of losing who I am, feeling a change of heart is an act of disloyalty or giving up. I couldn’t turn back now, I was already transformed, and the memories live more fully within me. Now I surrender to the natural movement, my permanent dance with life. I am now a man apart because I stayed living with him…waiting on him to let me go. Seeking clear horizons, I wanted to be bouncing along, light in spirit, free from worries and enjoying life. But this dark cloud formed and turned my skies grey accompanied by a fog. Can you imagine how my life feels right now? Puffs of white take on whimsical dark shades and my life disappear along with the sunshine...Will this be my final dance? Will the fear of love keep me cripple? I know for a fact that there is just one way to love and that is with 100% of my mind heart soul and body. Was I afraid of love? If I knew how much I love him, would things work for us? Will this ‘dance’ fail me again? Time and my mind are doing battle; time says I will be alone and my mind is having second thoughts. I wish I was not me, just wondering through life aimlessly…no hope, not a prayer in the world. Why can’t it be this way? The universe is teaching me such a hard lesson, things no man should endure.

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