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Tuesday, May 30, 2006

A YEAR…DAY



Damn talk about time not standing still…A year and a day ago, I remembered so well; the day I made the decision that affected my entire existence on this planet. I never would have thought that this one moment, this one action would bring tears to eyes, pain in my heart and me to my knees. I never knew that ‘love’ took so much, thought it would have been easy, thought that I could just slip away and not feel a thing. I WAS SO FUCKING WRONG, SO MISTAKEN, SO CLUELESS…SO UNAWARE… At this point things just came out of me as if something had died; I was looking for an epiphany at the end I was left thinking why the fuck I even try? I knew that I gave all that I could…I knew that I he loved me, more than I loved him or so I thought. I told him that I felt that our ‘relationship’ had reverted back to us being just best friends, he seemed shocked, so confused I could tell that he didn’t know what to do. It was funny to me because I knew it was the ‘end’ for a long time now, think about it, he told me that a good ‘friend’ of me told him ‘you should look out for yourself.’ I couldn’t believe that, like huh? This is the man I placed before everything and everyone, when I say everyone I mean everyone. I am standing in front of this man who I didn’t think I loved, telling him I don’t want him to love me or me him and all he gave me was ‘I hate confrontations’ I was like WTF, I am thinking okay. He left he hanging blowing like a leaf in the wind, I let him go, but he kept me prisoner. I felt that my foundation cracked, the very soil that lived beneath me no longer existed. The trees were all dead, the flowers of ‘love’ that once bloomed…don’t; birds lose all acquaintance with song. The sun has forsaken me, all that exists were clouds; clouds that is so angry so harsh, so dark. If rain were to come that illuminate this impending doom; doom that has plagued my very existence, doom that is so real…Doom that is me! Because all that stood in front of me was my UN(FAMILIAR). I pondered my life with him, without him wondering not knowing what to do. Playing with the ‘if’ of life asking myself: If I walked away from it all today where would I be tomorrow? Would my hefty heart still split and part over-run by the weight of sorrow? Would I remember next week how bleak my choices looked yesterday? Would the world I know crumble and go because of bridges burned by actions today? Can I sit here as I do longing for you but never having what I used to? Could I turn away from all that I say and only feel that which is real? If he opened a door and promised me free what would I leave so he could remember me? If that door closed and I had to stay would this life be worth living or should I throw it away? I wanted God to come down from his mountain high and answered me. Free me of my obsessed grief, cut by a decision that offers no relief…I was ‘shadow~less’ my life on pause, constantly wondering if it was by way of choices or was it my fate? Why can’t I just exit to a place, escape out of this maze that is my life…no more smoking mirrors filled with despair & desolation. I am in my dark cell hoping for light, a parched soul that remains dry …unable to drink. Times of perplexity are upon me causing my heart to fail me…I fear of the things to come…

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